A Firefighter's Worst Nightmare
by CapLovesHankandKel
Summary: Firefighter Specialist Mike Stoker is an accident and is left paralyzed from the waist down! Read his diary on how it happened and his recovery from it. Some of it will be very intense. Please r/r. I need it! Rated T to be on the safe side!
1. Chapter 1

"**A Firefighter's Worst Nightmare"**

**By: Cap**

This story was started a long time ago but in looking it over, I didn't like it. So I thought I'd re-write it. This is a "great angsty torture Mike" story. I always have fun to torturing the poor guy! Mike will notbe in canon here, just a fair warning. Also, I want to thank Bente for allowing me to use Levi English and Mike's twins Joey and Jimmy English-Stoker. Also I want to thank Michael Norell for the awesome call name of "Inferno." I asked him for a suggestion for "TBOC'S Burnin' For You" and he said he liked "Inferno" and I did too! The story will be written in the first person point of view. In other words, Mike will be narrating the whole story. And "TBOC" in the Horses' names refers to the group "The Blue Oyster Cult" that I shortened for writing purposes. They are called TBOC or The BOC in the rock world as well. Also, I have distorted time just a tad; two of the horses are named after two eighty's songs and I have a quote from an eighty's song in here as well. I would like to dedicate this story to my very "bestest" friend who passed away April 6, 2008 at 0130 from cancer. In my grieving for her it "fueled the fire" so to speak to write this, edit and perfect this. I love and miss you forever "Old Bag."

All things Emergency! do not belong to me. They belong to Universal TV however Travis, Terry, Tabby and Dane all do belong to me and cannot be used without permission.

**Chapter 1**

The day started just like any other. I got up at 0530, along with my eight year old twins, Joseph Charles and James Michael. All three of us are on a pretty rigid schedule because all three of us take medication for our various malfunctions. Joey and Jimmy are both very hyperactive but since they've been on medication and I gave them a pretty strict schedule to follow, there has been a world of difference. They are doing so much better. We get up every morning at that time, even on the weekends. We live on a rather large, spacious ranch and we have critters to take care of. The family has four horses we turn out and feed and water every morning. "Double D's Dance Into The Fire" who answers to "Dancer", "TBOC's Burnin' For You" who answers to "Inferno", "TBOC's Cities On Flame With Rock and Roll" who answers to "Flame" and "Bon Jovi's Blaze of Glory" who answers to "Blaze." I don't have an obsession with fire do I? I thought giving them names in the "fire theme" would be pretty cool. I am very fond of their names. I think they fit the horses perfectly.

So after we took care of the critters, we went inside and had breakfast and took our meds. Joey and Jimmy then changed clothes and got ready for school. They both go to Parochial School because I was raised in a Catholic household and I went to a Parochial school too. I want them raised in the faith. I want them to do all the things that I did. First Communion, Confirmation, Baptism. Allof that. It's very important to me. It fits right in with keeping them on a schedule and giving them a fairly strict sense of direction, which is good. After they eat and take their meds, they then do their recital for the day before school. I require that whether I'm working or not. I had to do that as a child and they are too. I know it sounds rather strict but that's how many Catholics households are. Mine was. Strict but not abusive. Because of their hyperactive disorder, the stricter the environment the better they function. And that's a good thing. They need structure. Then after that, they wait on the bus and head off to school. I always give them a big hug and kiss on the forehead before they leave. Then I give English (who is my soul mate) a kiss; grab my meds and head to the Station.

Once getting to the Station, I take care of the flag and give "Sagourney" (the engine) a good look over and polishing too while waiting for roll call to start. That is a typical morning (working and non working for that matter) in the English-Stoker household. So anyway, at the Station House, chores were done and we got toned out to a two-alarm fire, and it was a roaring fire too! I manned the controls like I usually do and did what Cap asked me to do. It was a house fire and the reason for the second alarm assignment was to keep the fire contained and from spreading to another house. John radioed Cap from inside the house and told him the roof was dangerously close to going. Roy, John and Marco still had to get out of the house. Don't ask me whatpossessed me to do what I did next because I'll never know. To this day I don't know. I never take matters in my own hands ever. Instinct (?) just sort of kicked in and the only thing that went through my head was that I had to help get my buddies out of there in one piece before the roof collapsed on them. So, I took off running from my post without a word to Cap (which again I never do but did in this situation) and headed into the house. John, Roy, a victim and Marco were just making their way out the front door and I went into the house and hurried them out. Just as I was shoving Marco out of the house, as he went through the doorway, I yelled for him "Go! Get out of the way!" the roof caved in and I went into total and complete darkness.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

When I came back around, I had no idea of where the hell I was or how the hell I got there for that matter. I got a little hyper until I recognized a familiar voice in the fog. That of Doc Brackett telling me to calm down; that I was safe and I was going to be OK. I remember asking about John, Roy and Marco in a panic and Brackett told me they were fine. Then I went to move and I couldn't do it. English was sitting next to me and I said in my confusion and fog "Why the hell am I restrained?" and Doc Brackett said cautiously said "You aren't…Mike…" and started examining me. I told him I couldn't move and he had Doc Early paged **STAT**. Early came running in the room and Brackett told him what was going on, Early then started asking me questions and most were answered "no" at that point. So he hurriedly sent me to CT Scan **STAT** and when it was done he read the results. He theorized that the upper paralysis was temporary because he couldn't see any damage that would cause it to happen. He said it was probably just the shock of the roof landing where it did. I saw a very concerned look in his eyes and I said "And the lower?" I could clearly tell he didn't want to tell me and I said "Out with it Doc. The more I know the better I can handle it" even though I was scared as hell to hear the answer. He slowly and caringly said with a hand on my shoulder (that I couldn't feel at that time) "Mike I think you are going to be permanently paralyzed." English about lost when we got the news. I just blinked my eyes and said "Oh shit!" But then Dr. Early said to me "If you hang tough and fight, you could very well regain what you have lost." I said "Hold it Doc. You said it was permanent. Which is it?" and he said "The upper will go away fairly quickly because I believe it's temporary. However the lower isn't going to come back quickly. Your spinal cord was injured and it's going to take time and lots of work for it to come back." I told him "Oh God. I can't believe this is happening." I was shell-shocked. English was too and she tried her best to calm me. It wasn't easy. Both doctors left the room; they knew we had to have time to sort shit out. A couple of hours later, Doc Early came back and told me they were going to admit me. Once he got me in my room and settled, Cap and the Crew came to see me. English told them what we learned and all were pretty solemn. Cap's eyes got misty and he took my hand (that I could not feel) and said "Be strong Michael. We're all going to be here for you and if there's anything any of us can do for you or Levi, let us know. OK?" Cap tried to smile and a few tears escaped and rolled down his cheeks. I was genuinely surprised that Cap didn't give me hell for leaving my post the way I did at the fire. But that's Cap. So caring at a time when I needed it the very most. He no doubt thought that raising hell about it but it was a moot point at that point in time. I expected to hear about it later though. It would shock me if I didn't. I probably risked getting canned but I did not worry about it at the time. Then a few tears went down my face. I looked at Cap and knowing that he's a Catholic Deacon (Cap's family, Marco and our family all go to the same church) I asked him if he would bless with me Holy Water and do an Anointing of the Sick and pray for me and he said "I'd be happy to." So him and Marco laid hands on me and prayed. English has beliefs altogether different than me. All I know is she says she believes in God and feel pretty sure that is where it ends. But I have to say she's really cooperative when it comes to helping with the twins' recitals they have to do before school and Church School. And I'm thankful for that. I don't want the twins to grow up thinking that she doesn't believe in God. That would not be a good thing. Anyway, I felt more at peace after Cap blessed me with the Holy Water and anointed me. After a bit, the guys had to leave but they promised me they would be back soon. Cap also promised me that he'd keep me as updated as possible; that I would always be a part of Station 51 and her crew no matter what the outcome was. That really made me feel so much better to know that I'd still be considered "one of the guys." I wondered though who was going to fill in for me. My best guess was Dane Smith. Dane's a good guy. He nicknamed me "Stoke" and has called me that for the longesttime. So if he did fill in for me, I would be rest assured that "Sagourney" would be in good hands. I named the Engine that when I first became an Engineer. I don't know where the name came from but she just looked like a "Sagourney" to me. And it's really cool. When I get off shift, most of the guys coming on will call her by name. I think it's great that they respect me that much. It's a good feeling. I have an unusual bond with her and although many don't quite understand it they do respect it. Anyhow, moving right along, after the guys left English went up to fourth floor to get the twins who were playing in the Pediatric Unit. Doc Brackett told them they could go up there and play as long as they behaved and English brought them back and told me the Pediatric nurses said they were so well-behaved they didn't even know they were there. I was pleased with that report seeing how dam hyper they were at the time. We gently and bravely broke the news to the twins that "Daddy isn't going to be able to play ball, fish or ride the horses with them for a while." Joey of course asked "How come?" and I told him I got hurt at a fire and that the lower part of my body wasn't working because a roof gave in and fell on it. Both were pretty upset; Jimmy was afraid I was going to die. He started to cry and we comforted him as best we could. I told him I was really lucky that I hadn't but it was going to take time to get better. Once I assured them both that I wasn't going to die, they settled down and did OK with it. So I told English to go on home with the twins because they were getting restless and tired. She didn't want to leave me but I told her she had to; the twins had to get to bed for school in the morning. I would be fine; I heard Early say they were probably going to give me something to help me sleep and "take the edge off" which was probably a good idea She gave me a deep kiss and told me how much she loved me. The twins hugged me best as they could seeing how I was totallyimmobile I told them I loved them all and for them to back soon. I told the twins I couldn't hug them back just yet. They promised me they would come back and I also told them to behave and to listen to their mother (although English is not their biological mother, she treated them as if they were and she might as well have been because she was the one who was there at the time) and they promised me they would behave. So off they went and I was alone, all alone with my thoughts and I was so f***ing scared I didn't know what to do. So I laid there and cried. I was pissed because I couldn't even dry my eyes at that point. Dixie came in the room to check on me during the time I was crying the hardest. She gently cradled my head and told me to "let it all out" that she was there and would comfort me and she didjust that. I was so thankful she was there. I didn't want English or the twins to see me like that. I had a feeling that Dixie knew this when she held me and comforted me. All I knew I was verythankful that she was there. She's one of those type of people that I imagine you could tell her your whole life story and you could trust her the rest of your life and hers and know

that your secrets are forever safe with her. So I didn't mind her being there. I was only thankful. She knew it too because I told her so. After my cry, Early ordered Valium to "take the edge off" and at some time, I'm not sure when, I drifted off to sleep.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you Ginger S for your kind feedback. I hope you will continue to enjoy the story!**

**Thank you Kathyb for your kind feedback as well. I'm not a Johnny fan AT ALL but I don't have anything negative about him in here. I haven't seen too many Mike stories either so that's why I decided to write this one. Hope you will keep enjoying it. **

**Chapter 3**

A few weeks later, just as Doc Early and Doc Brackett predicted, the upper part of my body had come back and on that front I was doing well. As I was promised, Cap and the Crew faithfully visited me during those last few weeks. Even Dane Smith, his wife Kendra and their two-year-old son Javon had spent some good quality time with me. Of course, it goes without say that Engish and the twins were there every chance they got. I still felt like a very active part of Station House life even I was currently not there. Cap and the Crew kept me updated on everything and it made me feel so good. I had some good laughs with stories about "The Phantom" and "his Pigeon." Johnny was always so animated about the "torture" he was subjected to. Oh man, what a hoot and the stories were always good for comic relief.

But there were still some major issues to deal with. The biggest one, besides the obvious, was the fact that I had no bowel or bladder control at all. That was one hell of a tough cookie to swallow. I couldn't handle being with a catheter and diapers on. Oh my God. I just couldn't take it! I was so ashamed of both of them. The twins didn't see either one because by that time, I was able to wear jeans. The cath was strapped to my leg and my pant leg concealed it. I was so grateful for that. But still. Just the thought of someone changing a grown man's diaper sickened me and straight pissed me off and pissed me off big time! But I had to somehow live with it. Thankfully only male nurses changed me but still.

I started doing physical therapy and Doc Brackett introduced me to a therapist that not only was he a therapist, he became a very good friend as well. His name was Travis and I tend to think and believe that he was pretty much God-sent to me. The first big thing he did was get me steered in the right direction. He told me I was permitted one day and one day only to "wallow in self-pity" and that was it. After that one day, it would be time to either resolve to fight to recover or not recover. He gave me twenty four hours to decide. In that period, he told me he would leave me alone and to my thoughts. There really wasn't much of a debate. Either I wanted to get well or I didn't. Bottom line. It was truly that simple. I chose to fight with all I had. I felt I was entirely too young to be in a wheelchair the rest of my life much less having a catheter and diapers to deal with on top of it! No thanks. That was not how I chose to spend the rest of my life. I wanted to be a Fire Captain then Chief someday and I wouldn't if I stayed in a corner and felt sorry for myself. So I made that decision alone but I told English and the twins about the decision I made and they all seemed pleased. I also shared it with Cap and the Crew and Dane too! All said they literally would be with me every step of the way doing all they could to help me and encourage me. Dam that made me feel good!

After all that was established, I advised Travis of my decision. He was very happy about that I chose to go in the direction I did. When he was setting up the plans of how we would go and what direction he wanted to steer it in, he said to start out small. He asked me if I had any home improvement plans or anything like that in mind. He knew I lived on a rather spacious ranch where a person could go wild with plans on how to jazz the place up. I thought about it and told him about the Tack House. I told I wanted to remodel it someday. I told him I was thinking about gutting it and rebuilding it. He said it was a great start and when we weren't doing therapy, he wanted me to "work on" my plans for the Tack House. He wanted me to "visualize it" and plan it. I asked him what it had to do with my recovery and he said "Basically it's to keep your mind busy and to give you a sense of accomplishment as you perfect your plans." His line of reasoning was that if my mind was busy planning, I didn't have time for self-pity and that made sense too. OK, I could live with all that. It actually made good sense. So, I asked English if she would keep me supplied with paper and she did. I ended up scotch taping many pieces of paper together then transferring them to a more conventional way of working with it. It became my saving grace, as I already knew how to blueprint so that was no problem. To this day I have yet to say "I'm done obsessing with the Tack House blueprints" but we'll get into that later on. Between that and my cigarettes, they kept me going. I smoked before the accident as an off and on type thing but not on a real regular basis. It was every now and then. English and I would sit outside on the porch swing and take a smoke break before or after dinner or before bed. I'd smoke maybe three or four a day at the most. After the accident, however, that changed dramatically. I smoked on a very regular basis and still do because I enjoy it so much.

I guess before I go much further into the story, I should explain how Levi English, who I affectionately call "English" and I met and ended up with twins that are not hers. Oh man. It's such a long, complicated story. English and I go back a long way with one another. I think we are very distantly related but it doesn't really bother us that we are. We grew up together and it seems we have been in love forever. But like a real idiot, I ran away from her and thought I was in love with and married another woman named Pauline. Turns out I wasn't and we had one hell of a bitter divorce. Pauline then journeyed to Australia (why there I will never know!) where English was living at the time and I'm theorizing gave birth to my twins what seven months later? Somehow, she must have made contact with English or English contacted her (that has never been made real clear to me) but what is truly sad about the whole thing is that Pauline never bothered telling me she was pregnant! So I hadn't a clue that I was going to be a father. Cruel, cruel, cruel. But probably wise because I wasn't ready to be a father and Pauline must have known that. Sad but true. English stayed away for about five years and when she came back to the States, she brought the twins with her. Pauline had committed suicide in the meantime and since I was their biological father, English got special permission to bring them back to the States and she more or less "sprung" them on me and it was an absolute disaster. Like I said, the twins were five years old by then and I wasn't ready to be an "instant" father. I didn't know how to be quite frankly. We were complete strangers to each other. It didn't take me long though to have affectionate feelings toward the twins but I was about as immature as they were! I'm ashamed to say that but it was the truth. I left the child raising to English because she wanted children far more than I did at that point. I didn't ignore the twins. I just wasn't sure what to do with them. So things were fairly bad and pretty much out of control when all this went down. Then this accident on top of it made life almost unbearable.

I worked really hard in Physical Therapy. Travis and I became very close friends. He started calling me "Stokes" and I returned the favor and started calling him "Trav-is-see." Why it is that people shortened my last name for a nickname, I'll never quite understand it but for some reason they seemed to like the way it sounded. At least that's my theory. Whether or not it's correct is a whole other matter. Travis motivated me so much even when I didn't think I could do anymore, he kept me going. And so did Cap. Cap promised me when I became "a little more mobile" he would allow me to spend time with "Sagourney." Man, I busted my ass good for that privilege. Cap knew that would motivate the pure hell out of me and it did too. Finally, after six months, I was actually able to stand with the help of crutches that had a wristband on them (Canadian I think they were called) and I developed quite a "swinging gate" if you will. I was amazed how much that built my upper body strength. I had to rely on it to move. I got around really well doing it that way but the functions of the bowel and bladder control hadn't yet returned. It was working on me and Travis knew it was. He told me to just "hang in there" because the stronger and more mobile I got, the better it would be. I wondered many times if that would ever be the case.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

The day finally came when I was reunited with "Sagourney." Cap and the guys came to the hospital and Cap stood the Station down for an hour (with Chief McConnike's blessing) and it was a time I'll forever cherish and never forget. I had to "swing gate" (that's what I called my mobility at the time) down to the elevator. It was very emotional to say the least and Cap gave me the biggest hug in the elevator. He had tears that escaped too. Once we got to the Emergency Room, Doc Brackett was just coming out of his office, as I was "swing gating" to the double doors. He shook his head, smiled (which was rare) and said "Amazing."

I went out of the doors and stopped once I got out there. Everyone there knew it was going to be an emotional thing, to say the very least! I batted my eyes to keep from "losing it" completely. Dane and the rest of the Engineers were obviously taking great care of "My Beloved." Dane said "Well Stoke what do you think? Does she pass inspection?" and before I could stop it, the words "Hell f*** yeah!" came out. It more or less stunned everyone there and Cap said "Look, we're happy you approve but I don't think your language needs to be that strong" and I said guiltily "Yes sir." It felt so good to be corrected by Cap. It felt like home again. So I swung over to her and stared at her for the longest time. I reached out with my left hand because I am left-handed and had to touch the gauges. Smooth. Clean. Beautiful.

Then I started to contemplate **how** I was going to sit in the driver's seat. It seemed like such a long way up to it. I couldn't move my legs at that point yet. I could only more or less drag them. I opened the driver's side door and said "Hey Ole Gal how the hell are ya? Do you know how much I miss being in the saddle? Do you? Looks like everyone is taking great care of you. Don't get too used to us being apart Ole Gal because I will be back. That **is** a promise. You hear me? A promise!" And at that point, I lost control of my emotions and started to cry pretty hard. So much of what was bottled up inside me came tumbling out. Cap walked up to me and put his hand on my shoulder and said "It's OK Mike. Let it out. Don't worry about what other people might think." Cap really knew how to comfort this emotional guy. Everyone let me have my space and time to work through it. I was so thankful for that. After a bit, I pulled myself back together and I apologized for coming unglued and everyone was very supportive.

I looked at Cap rather pathetically and said "Cap I want to sit up there." Cap said "OK. Well, we'll figure out a way so that you can." Travis said after thinking about it for a few minutes "Captain I believe we can. Stokes you put your left arm around my shoulder and your right arm around the Captain's shoulder. Then what we can do is each take him where his knees bend and put our arms through there so that we can hoist him up to a sitting position." Cap nodded his understanding. Travis then said "At the count of three…ready Stokes? One…two…three up!" and he and Cap hoisted me up into the Engine. All the guys cheered once I got in there and it immediately felt like home to me. I closed my eyes and put my hands on the wheel and laid my head down on it and it just felt so good. I wanted to fire her up but couldn't because of my lack of mobility. So I had to be content with what I had. I noticed my helmet was hanging up inside the cab on a hook. I was able to half-assed turn around to take it off the hook and put it on my head. Felt even more like home. Oh man. I wondered. Would I really get to come back or was it a far-fetched fantasy? Time would tell.

About twenty minutes later, Cap said gently "Hey Mike, I don't mean to invade your space but it's time to go. Our hour will soon be up." I nodded my understanding and said "Thank you Cap. Thank you everyone for this. And please Cap, thank the Chief as well. He can't possibly imagine how much this meant to me today" Cap said "We're happy to help keep your spirits up any way we can. And I'll be glad to thank the Chief. I think he has a pretty good idea though of what this would mean to you" Cap said with a wink. I knew he meant it too. Travis said "OK Stokes. You ready to come out?" and I said "Yes I am" and I said to Cap "I'm keeping my helmet with me." Travis said "This is going to be a little bit trickier. What I am going to do is this. I'm going to gently go under both knees and swing them around to our direction. Then we can lift you out just as we put you in. Ready?" and I said "Yes. Go ahead." He did just as he said he would very slowly and easily. Once getting me arranged, he and Cap lifted me out and helped me get situated with my crutches. Wow! What a fantastic hour that was. I thanked everyone and hugged each one as they said goodbye to me. I told Cap I'd remember that for a long time to come. He told me to keep the helmet because it'll remind me of this day and the good time I had. And I would remember that too. After they left, Travis and I headed back upstairs with my helmet on my head. I was glad to get back in bed. I was tired! But content. And very happy. I could relax now. I knew "Sagourney" was in very good hands and being well cared for. Not only that, it was always good to see the guys whenever I could. I would have a lot to tell English and the twins when they came in later. Wow! What a day! What an absolutely wonderful day!

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**This section is going to get graphic. I usually avoid topics like this but it is part of the story Mike has to tell. This truly is a once in a blue moon type thing with me as far as the graphics go. **

Along about the eighth month, things started getting really tense between English and I. I was still in the hospital, working hard to get the hell out of there. My "swinging gate" got "swingier" (in other words I was getting be an expert at the way I moved.) I wanted to go home but I still had no control over my facilities and there wasn't any way in hell I was going to let English dump my catheter (which I was getting pretty good at doing myself) or change my diaper. No how, no way, no nothing**.** Wasn't going happen. I wanted to be able to change my own diaper but I could not do so because of my lack of mobility. I wanted to, Lord knows I did but I couldn't. So I had to hang in a little while longer before I was released.

English had come to see me one evening and left the twins with Cap and his kids overnight. She had been pressing me to have sex with her and I kept telling her "no" because I could not enjoy it without being able to feel. She just didn't get it! So she said she'd just settle for lying next to me. Fine. Whatever. But at one point she took it upon herself to take the situation into her own hands and solve it the way she seen fit. This was not one of the happiest times of my life. But it was all a part of what happened during this time.

Anyway, that particular evening, she had sex on her mind in overdrive and I mean overdrive. She asked me several times to make love to her and was flatly refused all several times. I could not get it through her thick, horny head that I could not feel anything and it was not enjoyable for me. I managed to fall asleep with her lying next to me, which was great with me. That I could live with.

This next part is so hard to write but I have to because it's all part of the journey I took. It's not pretty. I'm not being pretty. So be forewarned. Anyway, I fell asleep with her lying next beside me. I was feeling fairly peaceful at that point. Next thing I know, I woke up with her laying on top of me, she was naked, took my diaper off, and she was rocking back and forth on my erect shank! Oh my God, I swear I wanted to absolutely commit homicide on her stupid, bitching, horny ass! First of all, I could not believeshe would take advantage of me in this way after being told no repeatedly. I felt like I was being violated and raped. She told me she wanted to be "close to me" and I guess she figured that was the way she was going to do it, never mind how I felt about it. She had the nerve to say it felt so good to her! I was so pissed. I wanted to brain the stupid bitch right then and there. I called her a slut and a cheap whore and ordered her out of my room! She was clueless as to why; she had to ask me why I was throwing her out! I had a major twister then she knew at that point to leave because it would have been in her best interest to do so. So she did and one of the nurses came back to check on me; I think everyone on the unit probably heard me yelling at her!

Thankfully it was a male nurse. He was very kind and understanding and helped me get everything back the way it was. He put a clean diaper on and emptied my cath bag. I vented to him and he said sometimes women just get ideas in their heads and there's no way us men can change their minds. I told him I'd give her a few ideas alright! After I got settled back in, I took the bedside table (the one I had my meals on that I could wheel under the bed) and got my blueprints out, trying to forget what had just happened. A great period of time elapsed that I had worked on them and when I woke up with a pen in my hand and the blueprints sitting on the table! One of the male nurses came in and checked on me and helped me get situated for the night. I wanted to exercise a little bit so he walked down the hall and back with me. I had a few cigarettes too before I called it a night. I was so glad that I could smoke in my room. It helped calm my tattered nerves considerably.

I entertained a thought wondering if she went so far as to do oral on me. It wouldn't have surprised me if she did. What could she have possibly gotten out of doing something so brutal, cruel and disrespectful? I would never ever force myself on her. Ever. I was still pissed at English for doing such a horrible thing to me but after I was given something to "take the edge off" (which was probably Valium again) I fell asleep peacefully.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

I woke up the next morning to a jolly greeting from Chief McConnike. He had been a very regular visitor as well and that made me feel good. He brought a wonderful breakfast with him. He brought me biscuits, gravy, sausage, a couple of pancakes and a bottle of orange juice. All of it homemade via his dear wife. Oh God was it ever good and I told him so. He stayed for about an hour and I was sad to see him go. For a man that drove Cap about half nuts, the Chief really wasn't a bad guy. His wife Amy was a real sweetie.

English then came in after he left and I told her we had nothing to talk about and I didn't want her anywhere near me. She apologized up, down and all around and I wanted **no** part of it. I said to her "You raped me English. You raped me and you violated me. Dam you and your out of control sex drive! Dam you, dam you, dam you!" Then she gave me this song and dance of how much she missed us being intimate and all that happy horse shit. I told her the least she could have done was put on condom on me. Yes I'm Catholic. Yes I believe in freakin' birth control. So sue me! She whined about how bad she wanted to be impregnated by me and share a child with me. I asked if she was outright insane because if she were to get pregnant, she'd raise that child alone because it wouldn't be conceived in love, instead its life started after a brutal rape of me. She didn't quite see it that way. I went one step further and told her if she did get impregnated to have an abortion because I did not want it nor would I pay child support in any way, shape or form. And I looked her straight in the eye when I said it.

I know it hurt her deeply but dammit I was hurting too. She ran out of the room crying and I lit a cigarette and got lost in the blueprints for the Tack House. I didn't want to deal with it just then. A little while later, Travis came in and we "walked" to Physical Therapy. Dam I didn't know that was such a long way! We worked on the balance bars and I was able to take my first steps! My legs moved ever so slightly and I was sky high! Travis did a little dance and was every bit as happy as I was. I asked him if it was real or imagined and he assured me it was real because he seen it too! This started me on the true road to recovery. It was so encouraging. It did wonders for my self-esteem. So I tried to take another step and Travis was cheering me on with a "Go Stokes go!" and with all my might I managed to move my left leg just ever so slightly. Sweat poured from my forehead and every other orifice I swear! I was bound and determined to walk the whole length of the balance bars. I moved along slowly until my sweat got the best of my hands and I lost my grip and fell. Travis immediately called for help and I was swearing a blue streak. I was so pissed at myself for falling in the first dam place. It shouldn't have happened to begin with. I was stronger than that for God's sake! Once they got me up into a standing position Travis said "We're done for the day" and I told him I didn't want to quit and he said to me with such kindness and respect "Stokes you have to remember something. Rome wasn't built in a day." I nodded my understanding and he had me sit in a wheelchair and we headed for my room. On the way, we passed the ER and I gave Dixie the news about being able to move my legs (and asked her not to tell the Crew because I wanted to surprise them) and she gave me the biggest hug and promised me she would pass the news on to Brackett and Early only.

Travis took me up to my room where Cap and the guys were waiting to see me. I didn't tell them the news either and on the way I told Travis that so it was business as usual with the guys. I always enjoyed their visits. They truly went out of their way to keep me involved with their lives and Station House life. They also pitched in and helped run the ranch for me. John was especially in "seventh heaven" because of his love for open spaces and the horses. He also had a really good time with the twins taking them camping and hiking and teaching them the ways of the Native Americans which fascinated the twins and me as well when the twins would talk about what they learned. Johnny was so open and comfortable with the twins. I always raised them to have respect for other people's beliefs and cultures. They peppered him with questions and he happily answered all of them. He taught them respect for nature and all it had to offer them like only he could. They learned different ways to communicate with their horses, how to use certain herbs, how to survive in the wild, all sorts of neat stuff. They developed quite a great relationship and to this day Johnny comes over and will take the twins for a weekend. He's very good about their medication regiment and I think it's wonderful exposure for the twins. They can even speak a little bit of Johnny's Native language which is fascinating to say the least. Excellent, excellent learning experience. I appreciated all the guys did for English and me. They really were absolutely fantastic to us.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

A few months later I was finally walking and walking well enough to be released from the hospital. My bowel and bladder control came back thank God. However, be that as it may be, I was really afraid of giving up my crutches. Travis told me I didn't need them and as badly as I wanted to pitch them I was too afraid to give up my Canadian crutches. I guess my biggest fear was that of falling. As long as I had my crutches, I knew I wouldn't fall and believe me I was very mobile with them at this point. I wouldn't go anywhere without them and Travis started to get really irritated with me when I would go to Physical Therapy. He told me he truly understood my fear but like a baby taking their first steps, I had to let go of the crutches. I told him I couldn't. I was afraid of falling, I wasn't ready to let go of them just yet, etc., etc., etc. and he said "You will starting now**.**" He gently took them away from me and left me standing with me having wide eyes with his hands out and said "Walk toward me. I'm right here and I will catch you if you fall. You can do it Stokes. One step at a time. Think about your twins. Think about how bad you want to climb back up in the rig and drive again. Think about anything that will make you take that first step without your crutches."

I was never so scared in all my born days as I was that very moment. I was a little wobbly too on my feet standing alone. I looked at Travis, tears of fear falling down my cheeks and he said gently "Come on Stokes. One step. You can do it. The rest will fall into place." I said "Trav-is-see I'm petrified" and he said "I know you are Buddy but you can do this. I know you can. I know you're ready. I wouldn't have taken the crutches away if you weren't." I took a deep breath, did a Sign of the Cross and thought about walking and not falling and I walked six steps, (stiff legged and wobbly) s-l-o-w-l-y to Travis who threw his arms around me, hugged me and congratulated me. Oh man. I did it! I walked to Travis. In less than a week, I was able to get rid of the crutches and the Crew had no idea I was walking on my own again. I set out to give them a big surprise and asked Travis if I could borrow the crutches to pull off the surprise and he gave me his blessing.

English took me to the Station house and I wandered in the front door with my crutches, walking like a pro, and Cap was just wrapping up roll call. It was the first time I had been back there since the accident and I got such a warm welcome back from all. Hugs and tears were everywhere. Then I thanked them for **all** they had done for me and I told them that I wanted to show them something. Cap gave me one of his classic curious looks and I laid the crutches down and proceeded to walk over to "Sagourney" and left them all speechless. Cap broke the silence and said with tears rolling down his face "My God, it's a miracle." Everyone came to me and hugged me and more tears fell. I walked closer to "Sagourney" and put my left hand on her door handle. Dane said "Climb in Stoke. She's missed you." I opened the door and hesitated. I could walk pretty well but could I climb? I broke out in a **cold** sweat and Cap seen the hesitation and walked up to me and said so fatherly "How can I help you Michael?" and I hung my head and said "I'm scared Cap." He replied "First off, lift your head. Second, don't be ashamed. No one here is ashamed of you so don't you be feeling that way." God that made me feel so good. Dane then said "Climb in Stoke. She's been waiting on you." I looked at the Crew and slowly put my leg up on the running board and hung onto the door and hoisted myself up and sat in the driver's seat to the cheers of the crew! I turned her over and gave her some gas and honked the horn in pure delight and basked in the moment, which was oh so sweet! But I couldn't linger and I knew that in case they got a call so I slowly got out after powering her down and took a deep breath once I was out of the rig.

English more or less stayed in the background and took it all in. She allowed me "my moment in the sun" so to speak and I was grateful because there were times she could be so dam obnoxious, getting on my last nerve in the process. Things were not going well between us and I began to wonder if things ever were going to be any better between us.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

A few months later I was released and cleared to go back to work, which was my saving grace to say the least. English and I fought and argued on a very regular basis and the twins were out of control. Some dark things started to surface in my entire being and me. I developed a very short fuse and I had explosive outbursts and mood swings that went from A to Z in a heartbeat. It just was not me. I have to also say that I became as obsessively attached to the Tack House blueprints as I was to "Sagourney." I decided to gut the dam thing (the Tack House) and start from scratch to rebuild it. Funny thing is though once I gutted it, I found so much peace and comfort in the ashes of it. As morbid as it sounds, it quickly became my "safe zone" and I dared anyone to step into it without my permission.

English got to the point where she could no longer cope with me or the out of control twins. I didn't want to be intimate with her because of the incident at the hospital. I didn't even want to be intimate using a condom. I didn't want her anywhere near me because all I could visualize was the night she took advantage of me. She did end up getting pregnant by the way but due to her getting really sick, the baby was lost and all I could do was thank God for the favor. And it was a favor too. So between the twins being totally out of control and me and my moods going from A to Z in a blink of an eye, English got so dam fed up. She tried repeatedly to become intimate with me and I repeatedly pushed her away. I told her I wouldn't lay with her unless she produced a condom for me. And that made her angrier because she wanted to make love to me so that our child would this time be conceived in love. Not happening. It was either done with a condom or not done at all. She resented it big time and we'd fight about that too. She smothered me most of the time and I couldn't handle it. So after the "Mother of all Arguments" she said she was leaving. It was up to me to raise **"**my out of control brats." It was time for me "to grow up and act like a man" (according to English anyway.) At first, I didn't think she'd go through with it. I saw it as a mere, vague threat. But when I got up the next morning, she was gone lock, stock and barrel. And I was shell shocked because she actually went through with what she threatened to do while we slept through the night, at least that was my theory.

The twins asked me where she went and I put them on my lap and explained to them that Mommy couldn't live with me anymore so she left. They asked me if she'd be back and I told them I didn't honestly know and I told them no matter what their mother loved them and they were to speak of their mother with love and respect. And I made it a point to never speak ill of English in front of them. I assured them that her leaving had nothing to do with them. I didn't want them blaming themselves for something that was not their fault. Even though it sort of played a part, I still did not want them to know. Meantime, I had to figure out what I was going to do about someone being there for the twins while I worked. I didn't know exactly what I was going to do but I had to figure out something and quick. I remembered seeing an ad at the Parish where there was a young lady looking for a job as a nanny and I was hoping and praying it was still posted. I hopped in the truck with the twins and headed for the church to look at the bulletin board and sure enough it was still there. Her name was Tabby Smith and she had just been recently certified. She too was Catholic so that was going to work well if I hired her. I headed back home and called her to arrange an interview and she was very interested in the job. Meantime, Steph Stanley, Cap's wife, graciously offered to keep the twins while I worked which was a big help. My kids and the Stanley kids always got along very well. The interview with Tabby went well and she was soon hired. I made it clear from the get-go that I was not looking for a relationship and the most important thing on my list of priorities was stability and a female figure for the twins. She was perfectly fine with that and I had her move in. There was so much room at the ranch that she had first pick from any room she wanted. She settled in the room closest to the twins and quickly became a member of our family. She was and remains so great with the twins. They love her dearly.

So stability (sort of) came to them in the form of Tabby. I spent time with them when I wasn't working but Lord they were a hand full. Tabby repeatedly complained to me because they were so hyperactive and couldn't stand still for a second. She told me they needed help and that I needed to get them evaluated and possibly on medication. I scoffed at the idea for quite some time, hoping they would more or less "grow out of it" and Tabby assured me they were not going to outgrow it. She was trained in child care and absolutely knew what she was talking about. So I finally gave in to Tabby and made an appointment with a Specialist to take the twins in to be evaluated.

Meantime, my moods were getting darker and darker and while I sat in the ashes one day, I got to thinking about the accident and started to really resent Marco because he was the last one out of the house before the roof came down on my back and in my mind I started to really resent him and blame him. Dammit, I knew it was wrong but I guess I focused so much on getting better I didn't deal with much else. But this was really starting to bug me. I avoided him at work when we weren't in the field and pretty much stayed to my blueprints, my smokes and myself. Cap noticed I was going out of my way to avoid human contact and he called me into his office and asked me why I was so quiet and so deep into my blueprints and I couldn't give him any satisfactory answers because I was so consumed in myself and my thoughts. He picked up on this fairly quickly and expressed his concerns about my being able to function properly on the job. I got defensive and told him I was fine and he answered "The hell you are. You're not the same Mike we knew before the accident. Granted, you've been through one hell of a lot but your moods and behavior are getting a little alarming quite frankly. Would you like to explain?" and I said again "Cap I'm fine. Really. I will tell you this much. I'm taking the twins to be evaluated so that's kind of working on me." Cap said "I think you're doing the right thing for the boys." I agreed with him and asked if I could be excused. He said he had one more thing he wanted to say to me and it was all I could do not to roll my eyes at him, which would have been very disrespectful. He said "Michael I think you should think about being evaluated too." I looked at him and said "Cap I'm going to be fine. I just need time" and Cap said "I'm not convinced of that. I think you really need to be evaluated. Ask Travis. He might be able to steer you in the right direction. Promise me you'll at least ask." I promised him I would and he was happy with that and then he excused me and I headed back to my corner on the couch in the Dayroom and picked up my blueprints and fired up a cigarette and got lost in them.

A little while later, Marco came in the Dayroom and sat down beside me and asked how the blueprints were coming along and I told him that I was totally and completely obsessed with them and he said he could tell. I told him if I kept on, the Tack House was going to be about as big as the White House. He asked cautiously if I had heard from English and I told him I hadn't and he really felt bad. I told him it didn't bother me because it wasn't the first time she left and it probably won't be the last. I was very indifferent about it and I think it almost shocked Marco that I wasn't more concerned than what I was. I finished my cigarette and as I did, we got toned out. My adrenaline was going at about one hundred fifty miles per hour at that point and my palms broke out in a cold sweat. But it felt good to be back in the saddle again. It really did. The rest of the shift went pretty well. I stayed to my blueprints, my smokes and myself. Before I left the shift Cap said "Don't forget your promise to me" and I told him I hadn't but would I go through with it? That was the sixty four thousand dollar question.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

(The MMPI that Mike refers to in here is called the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. I have taken several of them and his feelings pretty much reflect my own about them. They are nasty!)

A couple of months later, things were really out of control as far as I was concerned. Ironically, the twins were doing one hundred percent better. I had them evaluated and both were diagnosed with Depressive Disorder with Hyperactive Tendencies. So they were put on medication and it worked very well for them. Tabby was grateful for me doing this for the twins and began working on me to get the same thing done. I scoffed at every suggestion she made for me to get evaluated. She told me I was becoming harder and harder to live with and that she didn't want to leave the twins with no one but if I didn't seek help she would be forced to leave. Dam. Talk about a wake up call. I never knew it was that bad. I valued her so much and didn't want to lose her and I didn't want the twins to lose her.

So I stopped over to see Travis. I talked to him about it and he referred me to a therapist named Terry Collins. I was really nervous at first but he had the wonderful ability to put my mind and me at ease. He asked me what was going on and I told him best I could after Travis basically filled in a lot of blanks for him. He asked me what I thought might be wrong and I told him I didn't honestly know. I didn't know if it was a side effect from the accident or what it was. I did tell him I was starting to hate Marco and the reasons why. And I told him I didn't have the right to feel that way because Marco and I go went back a long way and it technically wasn't his fault that I got stupid at that point and did what I did but I guess I had to have someone to blame it on so Marco was going to take the brunt of it in mymind. Terry asked me if I confronted Marco or told him how I felt about the situation and I told him no that I couldn't because it wasn't Marco's fault. But in my mind it was. How was that for utter confusion?

Terry then handed me about five sheets of paper stapled together and said "I want you to answer these honestly." I looked at him and asked why and he said he had an idea of what was going on but needed me to help him out and fill out the papers. So I willingly did that for him. I asked him if I could smoke while I did that because whenever I work on the blueprints for the Tack House I do and he said "Sure, whatever makes you most comfortable. These aren't easy questions to answer but you will need to be as honest as possible so that I can get a clear-cut picture as to what is or isn't going on with you." I nodded my understanding and got busy answering the questions after I lit up a cigarette. My whole insides were shaking because I was afraid of what might have been on the paper. I took a deep blink then started looking over the papers. Oh Lord, they weren't pretty. They were the type that got down deep inside of you. They seemed to invade my very being and my soul. They invaded my personal space big time. I wanted to take my lighter to them and burn them! Seriously! I didn't know if I could answer them or not without falling apart right then and there. They were the type of questions and statements no one wanted to read much less answer. I think later on Terry was to call them statements from an MMPI? All I remember is he told me what the PI part was, which stood for personality inventory. Anyway, I read them over and as I answered them I felt like my head was being f***ed with because some were the same statements only worded differently. They really shook my head up good.

I sighed, dried a few tears and answered the questions. Somehow I managed to get through them, shook up as I was. I gave the papers back to Terry and told him they were a tough lot to fill out and he said they knew they were but it was a "necessary tool" to get to the bottom of what was wrong. We talked some more and the more I talked to him, the more I liked him. I think I could handle talking to him on a regular basis. Before I left for the day, Terry said we'd get together in a week and he would have an answer for me as to what was wrong and how we could resolve to fix it. I told him "OK" and shook his hand and headed home. Before I went home though, I stopped off to get some more cigarettes and swung by Cap's to tell him that I met with Terry and what I did filling out the papers and he was pleased. So off I went home to wait one long torturous week to find out if in fact there was anything majorly wrong. I was hoping not but I was really scared that Cap might be right. I at that point had to just "hang on and go for the ride." I had a feeling it was going to be a long one.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

One week later the time had come for me to get the verdict of my malfunctioning. I spent a considerable amount of time in the ashes of the gutted Tack House to calm me down before I left for the appointment. I even put a handful of them in my pocket for a "security blanket." I headed for Terry's office and was doing some heavy-duty smoking because my nerves were so bad and I was so filled with fear. Terry finally called me back to his office and he could tell I was ready to jump through the dam ceiling and he had us both do some breathing exercises. I was reasonably calm then.

After that, he got down to business and said he had a diagnosis. Actually two of them. He said the first one was Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. He told me it's very common for people who have been through what I have been as far as the far-reaching effects of the accident and paralysis. OK, that made sense. Then he said there was another diagnosis as well. I told him to proceed and he said "Severe Clinical Depression." I looked at him and said "Just what the hell does that mean?" and Terry replied "What that means is more than likely you have been depressed for quite some time. The saretonin in your brain isn't firing up like it should be to keep everything level in your brain. So I am going to refer you to a Psychiatrist so that he can get you started on medication therapy to get your saretonin levels back to where they should be." I told him "I will not see a Shrink. Only you" and he said "I cannot dispense medication Mike. You have to see a doctor that can dispense medicine." Then I asked him if my family doctor could because I would feel more comfortable that way and he told me he doubted it because it wasn't in the scope of what family doctors do. He told me there was no shame in seeing a Psychiatrist and I told him he was wrong; that I'd be "branded" for the rest of my life if anyone were to find out I was seeing a Shrink. He rolled his eyes and said "For the love of God Mike! You have a problem. Seeing a psychiatrist is no different than seeing a regular doctor." I argued with him for about twenty minutes until he convinced me it was going to be OK.

I finally agreed to go but under one condition. That Terry accompany me. He didn't hesitate. He said "I'll do whatever makes it easier for you." I was relieved. It just so happened to work out that Dr. Christopher (the Shrink that Terry wanted me to see) had a cancellation that day and he told Terry to bring me over and he'd be happy to see us both. So Terry said "No time like the present" and I said "Let's go in my truck so that I can smoke." That was fine with Terry and off we went to see Doc Christopher. Terry was a non-smoker. Thankfully when we got there, there wasn't anyone there that I knew and I had a ton of paper work to fill out. I swear the paper work wanted my life history. Once that was done Dr. Christopher called me back to his office. Terry came with me and I had just lit a cigarette and Doc Christopher said it was OK for me to smoke. Man he was a big guy! Well over six feet tall with a very friendly personality. I couldn't help but like him. Terry filled him in on the diagnosis and the Doc knew right away what he was going to prescribe. Lithium. He said was a natural salt and aids in helping the saretonin in the brain get to the point that it needs to be. He also gave me Mellaril but in a very small dose because of the danger of the drug. He said it was indicated for the type of depression I had so he was going to keep a close eye on it through monthly blood tests. I told him the twins went monthly for theirs so I would join them, no problem. He said the fact that I preferred to be in such solitude and aloneness was a very huge indicator of depression. So he handed me two different prescriptions and so started my journey with medications. He said it would probably be life-long maintenance. "Oh yay" I thought. And Dr. Christopher said I would see him once every three months or as needed. He asked me to sign a form so that Terry could give him updates as he needed and I signed the form. Doc said I would feel really tired at first while the medications were adjusting.

I asked him if the Fire Department could hold being medicated against me and he said he highly doubted it. He said if I was up-front with my superiors that they should be OK with it. And I asked what if they weren't and he said he'd be happy to speak to them to educate them on what is going on. I accepted that answer. Terry and I then left. Before we left, I thanked Doc Christopher for all his help and understanding and he said he looked forward to working with me and getting to know me. So we left and I dropped Terry off at the Counseling Center and headed home straight to the ashes. I had to have time to sort things out. I was traumatized beyond belief. I could not believe what I had just done! I stared at the prescriptions for the longest time and debated whether or not to put the lighter to them. I came very close several times to doing just that but decided the better of it. I stayed lost in the ashes for quite some time. I just could not decide if I did the right thing or not and then the debate became to take the medication or not take it, to keep Tabby or to lose Tabby, to become more sane or go insane. The debate. The tough, tough debate.

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

After a long debate, I hopped into my truck and headed down to the pharmacy. My hand shook as I handed the prescriptions to the pharmacist. I swear I wanted to vomit right then and there I was so dam nervous. About thirty minutes later, my medications were ready. I took them out of the bag after I went out to my truck and looked them over. I could not believe I was going to have to take them the rest of my life. God where did I go wrong? I will never understand why. So after I got home, I went back to the ashes and stared at the bottles for the longest time. My name on two bottle of pills prescribed by a dam Shrink.

Un-be-leiv-able. Totally. After a while I went back into the house and grabbed a can of beer (of all things) and popped my first pills. Tabby seen me and she asked me what I was doing and I told her about my visit to Doc Christopher and told her I was joining the twins in a daily medication routine, that I had Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and Severe Clinical Depression. I told her I was having a hard time handling the diagnosis. She gave me a gentle hug and assured me all was going to be all right. She also told me not to be ashamed because I had the courage to do something about it. I had my doubts. I really did. I downed the beer much to her disapproval and after a lecture from her, I told her I was going to see Cap and tell him about my experience with the Shrink. She said Cap would no doubt be very supportive and I told her I was going to find out. So I left and went to see Cap and told him about my glorious experience with Doc Christopher and he was very supportive and pleased that I had taken the step to get help. He told me not to worry what other people thought because his opinion of me wasn't going to change. He asked me if I wanted him to tell Chief McConnike and I told him that is who I was the most worried about. Cap told me not to worry because even though Chief rattles his cage often he didn't think he'd be insensitive in a case like this and I was required by law to report this because of the legalities of it. So I told Cap to go ahead and call the Chief. He said he would be happy to. So I was relieved to get that out of the way.

So I left Cap's and headed home to spend time with the twins. They were feeling particularly "clingee" and started to cry because they missed their mother so much. We still hadn't heard from her at that point and I honestly didn't know what to tell them. I told them that their mother loved them and more than likely missed them every bit as much as they missed her. I knew it was hard on them. Joey asked me if I missed her and I told him I most certainly did. At that point, I was starting to honestly miss her. Jimmy then asked "If Mommy doesn't come back, will you marry Tabby?" and I told him no because their mommy was the only woman I love or ever will love in that way. It was very hard for the twins to understand. Whenever they would ask, I would explain it to them as best I could. They tried at various times to get Tabby and I together but I foiled every attempt they made. So after a while, they finally gave up. Which was a good thing. I did love Tabby. But as a sister I never had and that is where it ended. That was a little easier for the twins to understand. But even though the medications kicked in and seemed to work fairly well for me, there was still one very dark issue I had to deal with that lurked inside me. My growing resentment and hatred toward Marco.

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

A couple of months later, English came back to the ranch. We all welcomed her back with open arms and she thought at first that Tabby and I was an item and we assured her we were not and she was relieved. Tabby told her she was there for the twins; to help care for them and it wasn't long before Tabby and English became really good friends. So that was a good thing.

The first night English was back she didn't waste any time to suggest that we make love and I told her we hadn't yet resolved our issues. She asked if she could just lie beside me and I told her no because of what happened the first time. She swore up and down she wouldn't try anything. She just missed me so much lying next to me would be good enough for her. So I finally gave into her. But I wasn't real comfortable with the idea but I too really did miss her and I was glad she was back to be quite frank. I wanted so bad to make love to her but I had to stay firm on my ground. I couldn't give into her because then she would think she could manipulate me. Would not allow it. The twins fell sound asleep on the porch swing, one sitting by her left side and the other sitting by her right side. They were so happy to have their mother home again. I took Joey; English took Jimmy and we gently carried them upstairs to bed. It was good to see the twins so peaceful. It had been a good long time since I had seen them so happy.

So English and I headed off to bed. She dressed in a super-revealing nightie trying her damdest to arouse me (which she did and dammit she knew she did) but I had to fight the urge to "jump her bones" so to speak. It wasn't easy but I managed to behave myself. She was very surprised that the twins and I were on a regular medication routine. I told her about Terry and Doc Christopher and she sounded like she was impressed with both of them, which was a good thing. I kissed her deeply and told her how much I missed her. She kissed me back just as deeply and it was all I could do not to make love to her right then and there. She practically begged me to make love to her but I told I just could not do it because we had way too many unresolved issues to work out. She basically said "That was then, this is now" and I told her "No dice." She said she could feel the urge to do so running through me that I shouldn't fight it but I told her I had to. She tried every which way to get me to give into her but I remained strong. Finally she gave up because she knew she wasn't going to get her way. We fell asleep peacefully and slept all night. It was so good to have her home again. I did miss her but I could not let her know that exactly. I told her I missed her but she said she had a hard time believing that seeing how I refused to make love to her. I told her I had to do what I had to do.

She suggested counseling with Terry together and I told her I would mention it to him to see what he thought. She was satisfied with that answer. So when I went for my session with Terry that week, I did mention it to him and he asked me how I felt about that idea and I told him I had mixed emotions about it because I felt my space was being invaded. Although I was glad she was home, I just felt she was being rather pushy and insistent. That was about the only thing I didn't miss about her. About the only thing regarding my space she did respect was the ashes that I made very clear to her what it was and what it was for. Terry told me he heard a lot of resentment in my voice and I asked him how he would feel if had someone hounding him as much as she did me and he said I did have a valid complaint. He then said counseling both of us at the same time was probably a good idea but it was my final call. I thought about it as I lit up a cigarette and while I smoked it, I debated it over and over in my mind in silence and Terry let me have that time and when I was finished smoking, I told him we could try and see what happens. He nodded his agreement and told me to bring her with me the next time I came in. I told him I hoped and prayed I didn't live to regret it. So after I left the session, I went home and told English about our appointment the following week and she was pleased. So was Tabby who was convinced we were doing the right thing. Time would tell. I had my serious doubts. I really did.

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	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

The following week, English and I headed to see Terry. We went in my truck and I of course was smoking fairly heavily and we went into the Counseling Center together and Terry came back out a few minutes later. We walked back to his office and the introductions were made and we got down to business.

Terry asked her what she wanted to talk about and what she wanted to accomplish in the coming sessions. She told Terry she wanted things to get back as they were and to get our sex life back on track. Terry asked me how I felt about that and I told him that we would never be back on track sexually until she acknowledged what she did to me while I was in the hospital. She was pissed and told Terry that I "live in the past too much" and Terry said he disagreed with her. He said he felt I had a valid issue; that what she did in his opinion was very inappropriate to be very kind. Then she got more pissed off. She said "So I made a bad decision. So sue me!" and Terry said simply and calmly it wasn't a suing issue. I lit up a cigarette, kicked back and watched English and Terry go at it. They were rather amusing to say the least. I was very grateful to Terry for more or less taking my side and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it pissed English off to absolutely no end. At least if I couldn't make her accountable for her behavior, Terry would. She said she did it because she missed being intimate with me for eight long months and I acted like it didn't bother me at all and I shot up from the chair and said "For God's sake English! I was f***ing paralyzed! I couldn't f***ing feel a dam thing!" She rolled her eyes at me and Terry, who immediately noticed, said "Levi, you really need to listen to him. It sounds like you're consumed with your needs and wants without giving a thought to his." This statement angered her even more. She got really belligerent with him and pleaded her case to him how eight months was agony for her to be sexually inactive. She said I cared more about the f***ing Tack House blueprints than I did her at that point and she despised Travis for suggesting it to begin with because I remain obsessed with the blueprints to this day. She also told him I spend too much time in the ashes. She said she has tried to understand the need but it's getting more and more harder for her to cope with because I stayed so deep inside myself and would not let her inside literally and figuratively.

Terry said he could understand my point of view with me feeling so helpless (for lack of a better word) when I was paralyzed. I looked English straight in the eye and said "Don't you think that I myself missed it too?" and she replied "You could have at least told me that!" then she started to cry. I told her at the time I was so f***ing focused on walking again, it was all I was thinking about. I had to or otherwise it wouldn't have happened and she did agree with me on that point. Then she asked me point-blank if I was in any way sexually involved with Tabby and I told her when I hired Tabby I made it clear to her that I did not want a relationship even though the twins tried repeatedly to get us together that I foiled every and all their attempts to do so. They finally gave up. I assured her that even in all this chaos, past and present, she was the only woman for me. Then she really started to cry. I did end up holding her and I told her we still had some issues to resolve but I felt confident we'd get them worked out eventually because we always have in the past and I expected this to be no different. I could feel the sigh of relief that came from her. We both we felt we got a lot accomplished in that session and we both acknowledged that we had a ways to go. Terry said he thought it was a good starting point as well so that was a good thing. Now the hard work started. Trying to put us back together for good.

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	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

So the long road to getting our issues resolved had begun. In some ways, we were doing better and other ways we were fighting like cats and dogs. English was getting on me about my smoking, my spending too much time in the ashes, and not enough time with her or the twins, yada, yada, yada. The twins were doing much better but seemed to lack a sense of direction.

In one of our sessions Terry suggested giving the twins a schedule to follow. A time to rise every morning, even on weekends and days off from school, a time for specific chores, time for homework, time for play, time for recital, time for winding down, then time for bed. So that was what I did. I put them on a schedule and I went on it with them at their request. They adjusted to it very well. Between it and their medication they settled down and did very well with it. They still do to this day. It really has worked wonders with them. Once we got that all under control, it was time to work on English and I. And we had a ton of work to do. Oh mercy! One of English's biggest bitches was the fact that I refused to have sex without a condom. It drove her absolutely batty! She kept reminding me that Catholics don't believe in birth control and I always answered her "this one does!"

Terry asked me in one of the sessions what the obsession was with the condom, given that I was Catholic, and I told him "Does it take a Rocket Scientist to figure it out? I have two children that are damaged. They inherited their father's depressive tendencies and I don't want to put another child through that." Terry said that made good sense once I explained it. English said it was being used as an excuse; that I didn't want a child with her. I told her there was some truth to that and the only reason why was what I just said. We have too much going on as it is with the twins we didn't need to bring another one into the world and have it grow up the same. I couldn't justify doing that to an innocent child. I already did that to two innocent children as it was. I told her to give it up while she was at it because I wasn't going to change my mind. Then she told Terry I wouldn't accept condoms that she gave me (which was true) and Terry looked at me confused and said "What's up with that?" and I told him "Because I can see her putting a pin-head hole into it, end up pregnant and then tell me that the condom must have been defective. I'm not playing that game." Terry said "Now do you think she would actually do that?" and I said "Given her past record, what do you think?" and English said "Oh my God Mike! I can't believe you would even think such a thing!" and I told her rolling my eyes for emphasis "Spare me English. I know how dogged determined you are to have a child with me. I've got the whole equation figured out." Terry I think was stunned to say the least. The only thing he could say was "Wow." English kept harping on the fact that she could be trusted; that she would never try anything like that and I told her I wasn't stupid. I knew her and her sometimes evil manipulative ways. I told I had known her all my life and knew what she would sink to in order to have her own way. I told her not to bother to argue with me because I knew I was right. Terry said he felt at that point we had come to a stalemate situation and I told him I wasn't going to back down. She said she wasn't either. So now he had a real dilemma on his hands. He asked me, rather confused, "If you have little trust in her in bedroom matters, how can you expect to live together the rest of your lives?" and English applauded him for that question. I told him we weren't exactly the most functional couple there ever was. We've always had our quirks and differences. But I had no doubt that I would never want another woman other than her. Terry said it all sounded so contradictory and I told him I knew it did but that was us. It really was. Half the time there was no rhyme or reason for the shit we done. Terry said he had his work cut out for him. That was the understatement of the century.

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	15. Chapter 15

**A/N After a few weeks of soul searching to see if I was going to continue posting this, I have decided that I will. I'm just politely asking that I do not receive flames for it. This is my story and I will not apologize from here on out about anything about it. I am writer, it's what I do, and my imagination is there to be used. I stated from the onset that Mike would NOT be in canon. I don't know what more I can do. **

**Chapter 15**

The deeper we got into counseling, the harder it got for me. I'm not one of these people that can be real open about stuff. The deeper Terry dug the more I pulled back from him and deeper into myself. I couldn't handle all the issues that were being thrown at me. Terry noticed this and asked me what was going on and I told him I was totally overwhelmed and that was no lie! So for a little while, he took English out of the sessions and it was just he and I again. English was pissed because Terry took her out of the sessions. He told her he had to because I was shutting down and he needed time get things back on track.

After English left the sessions, it was a tad bit easier on me but not much. Besides dealing with the issues between English and I, the dark issue of my growing hatred for Marco had to be dealt with sooner or later. Terry knew it was eating at me and threatening to consume me. So he told me we'd have to deal with it and soon. He wanted me to actually confront Marco and tell him how I felt and I told him I could not do that and he asked why I couldn't and I told him it wasn't Marco's fault because he didn't ask me to do what I did. It's the nature of the business; we always risk our lives for each other without giving it a second thought. He said if that was true then why the resentment towards him and I told Terry it was so hard to explain. He told me to think it through then put it in words. I told him I wasn't real good at that and he knew I wasn't. He acknowledged that but said it was very important that I focused on why I felt the way I did. I told him it was so hard because I had major guilty feelings about the way I felt. It was all so dam confusing. Terry asked me if I felt Marco "owed me" so to speak for risking my life for him and I told him no that I could never feel that way because it is our duty to protect one another.

Terry said duty aside, there had to be a reason for my strong feelings of resentment and growing hatred toward the man. He said I had to confront those feelings so that healing could begin. I told him I was at a loss for words. He said he thought it was because he was digging too deep and that I was responding by pulling away. I told him I was just so totally overwhelmed. He asked me if we changed locations if that would help and I asked him where we would go and he replied "Well seeing that you find so much comfort and security in the ashes. Maybe you could talk about this easier there." I lit up a cigarette and thought about what he was offering me and I told him even though the ashes were more or less "sacred ground" if you would it might be that I could feel more comfortable there and that it was worth a try.

We agreed on trying to get to the bottom of things in our next session "in the ashes." After I left the Counseling Center, I had some chores to do. Pick up horse feed, paper for blueprinting, get the twins' medication refilled, go back to the ranch and change the oil in my truck, do my leg exercises and in general stay busy.

I decided I was going to take the boys fishing after their chores and homework were done. It had been a while since we went so I thought we could do that. After I got all my chores done, it was just about time for the boys to come home from school. They did and I told them after changing clothes. Chores and homework that we were going fishing. And they were thrilled. So after they seen to their responsibilities, we went fishing. Oh man did we have a great time! The boys have always loved fishing especially with me. I always have such a good time with the boys when we fish. They have learned how to sit quietly when they fish. We don't keep the fish we catch. We throw them back in the pond. We have a rather large pond that's about a half mile from the house and the twins know better than to mess around at the pond without supervision. I will not permit it and they have been really good about it. So after our fishing expedition, we headed back to the house for dinner. I felt so good inside spending time with the twins. It was great fun and time the three of us really needed together. They slept soundly that night and I was content in the knowledge that they were two very happy campers.

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	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

When the following week came, Terry met me at the Ranch. I had to show him around and he was really impressed. He thought English and Tabby were great housekeepers and even told them so. I saved "the best for last" so to speak and took him to my "sacred ground." He joked with me and said that he didn't think I'd have enough room to build the Tack House if I kept on with the blueprints at least not in that particular area. I had to laugh and agree with him. I told him I had plenty of room on the Ranch and someday the Tack House would find a home.

He was particularly drawn to the horses that he called "gorgeous" more than once. He was really drawn to "Dancer" and I told him he was my baby. He said he thought the name fit. I told him "Dancer" was the first horse here. "Flame" was Joey's, "Inferno" belonged to English and "Blaze" was Jimmy's. He also said he liked the "fire" theme and suggested one of his own if I got another horse. "Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire" and "Ringo" for the call name. I told him I liked it and would definitely consider it. Talking with him like that put me more at ease and I suspect he probably knew that. He asked me where I wanted to sit and I told him to pull up a hay bale and have a seat outside of the parameter of the ashes. He did as I asked and I plopped down inside my "safe zone."

No sooner did I do that, English came outside and wanted to "join" our session because she had "a few bones to pick." Terry was very polite to her and told her "not yet." She demanded to know why and Terry explained to her that we at that point were still one on one and what we were trying to work through seriously had nothing to do with her. She said when then? and Terry said he didn't honestly know. He was an absolute gentleman with her and asked her as kindly as he could to "give us our space." She stomped into the house and slammed the door so hard I thought for sure the glass would break! Terry shook his head and said "Yeesh oh Pete." All I could say was "Uh-huh."

So we tried once again to get down to brass tacks. Terry told me he had spent the last week "brainstorming" a way to get me comfortable enough to open up. He also was trying to think of way to find out why I was feeling so much hatred toward Marco. He said he figured out what we could do but he did not think I'd agree to it. I asked him what it was and he replied "Hypnosis." I looked at him and responded with a "sheep shit!" and he said "Relax Buddy. It's not like what you see on TV and such. All it amounts to is for one to be in a very relaxed stated so that it'll be a lot easier to talk about it." I flatly refused it and he was OK with it. I told him I had a question for him. I asked him if maybe we could somehow let me "live through it again" if that would help. He thought about it and said "It very well could." He also said he wanted to do it out in the open of the Ranch so that no one would get hurt in case I "snapped" while re-living it. I agreed to that because I felt it was the answer. He said we would do it next session because he was going to have more time than he had this week. I told him I felt strongly that this was the way to go. He agreed with me. So the big day would be scheduled next week. I was nervous as hell thinking about it but it could not be delayed. It was now or never.

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	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

After Terry left, English came back out and started yammering at me. She was pissed because she couldn't join our session. I tried to explain to her that it was nothing against her but there are some issues that I have to work out with Terry alone. She asked why alone and I told her that Terry and I came to the conclusion that for now it is better have the session one on one because it's easier on me at the moment. She asked me why it was easier without her and I told her some things are better left man to man. That made her even madder but I was only being truthful. This situation with Marco was better between two men. I myself did not quite understand the feelings so I didn't think she could either. She threw her arms up in the air and went back into the house.

I decided to hop on "Dancer" and go for a ride. I got him all geared up and climbed into the saddle and away we went. We went by the pond, down the road and on a trail that we always take them on. The wind was blowing just enough to blow his mane and he just trotted happily along. Riding him felt so freeing. He looked like poetry in motion. So relaxing. We were gone for quite some time before we went back. It took a good while for him to feel tired but once he started to, we headed back. Once we got back, I took the gear off of him and he went straight to the water trough. The Big Guy was thirsty. I think though he enjoyed his workout as much as I did the ride. I was at peace with the world and everyone in it.

Not long after we got back, the boys came home. They wanted to go for a ride on "Blaze" and "Flame" and I told them they couldn't because "Dancer" and I had just gotten back before they came home. They weren't too happy but they lived with it. They went inside and changed their clothes, did their chores and got their homework done. They brought home some very impressive papers from school including both that got a one hundred percent on spelling tests they did. I was very proud of them, as was English and Tabby. We told them we would take them out to dinner and putt putt golf as a reward for their hard work at school. They loved that idea and I thought it was appropriate to reward them with something they loved to do to keep them motivated.

We went to their favorite pizza joint and decided on a large loaded pizza with fruit punch and a small salad. They really are good veggie eaters. Which makes life a lot easier. The adults like the veggies as well. It was a delightful dinner. Afterward, we headed for the putt putt golfing field. It was a rather challenging course and that was they one they wanted. So off we went. And you know, they didn't do half bad. It was really a nice evening because English seemed to have been in a really good mood. She had as much fun with them as I did. Tabby took her camera with her because she said she didn't want to miss this "Kodak moment." She got some really good pictures of us all. It's fun watching three left-handed boys (me, Joey, Jimmy) playing putt putt together. We have a really neat way of putting. And it usually works. Joey reminded me we were going to have to come back more often so we could practice and I agreed with him. Joey ended up winning; he beat English by two full strokes and me by one full stroke! I was proud of him. I think everyone was.

After that, we stopped off to get some ice cream much to English's protests. I told her we weren't doing any chocolate and I impressed that on the boys. I told them they could have vanilla ice cream with their favorite fruits on it. But no chocolate, caramel or anything like that with a ton of sugar in it. Joey settled for a root beer float and Jimmy got a banana split with lots of fruit in it and no syrup of any kind in it. He said he liked that version better than the syrup. Tabby got a chocolate milkshake and English got a vanilla shake. I got a banana split too with lots of fruit and no syrup.

After our outing, we headed home because it was getting close to the time for meds, recital and winding down. I have to say recital is one of my favorite times of the evening (when I'm not working) and the twins are so cute. They remind me of myself at that age. Tabby commented how cute they were too. After prayers were said, English and I tucked them in for the night. It had been quite a day but a good one nonetheless.

I headed outside to sit on the porch swing and take a few smokes and English came outside to join me. We engaged in small talk about how much fun the twins had earlier and I told her how much I enjoyed my ride on "Dancer." She did agree that he was a beautiful boy and I also told her how impressed Terry was with the Ranch. It originally belonged to English but I paid half on it so technically it belongs to the both of us. I told her I have always been very fond and proud of the place. Fell in love with it the first time I seen it. We didn't have the twins then and I often thought at that point if we ever had children it would be a truly great place for them to grow up and the twins do love living here. I've been thinking about adding a couple of dogs, some cows, a few cats and recently a few alpacas. We seen the alpacas at the county fair and the boys just loved them! I myself think they (the alpacas!) have the cutest faces! Well the twins do too but I'm sure you know what I mean! English and I share a bank account of well over six hundred thousand dollars so I told the boys we could afford to expand and add the critters. But I'm not sure when I'll do that. Soon I hope.

Anyway, English and I shared a rather peaceful evening together (in the beginning, anyway) smoking on the swing and listening to nature "talk" to each other. I told her it always amazed me how loud the tree frogs were. We sat there and chuckled at the thought of the boys climbing the trees trying to catch them. They would too; we have no doubt that they would. English laid her head on my shoulder and I was fine with that. I put my arm around her and stroked her long dark hair. I told her I was truly glad she was home. She said she was glad to be home but felt like there was this one hundred foot thick wall that I had built around myself. I told her she was probably right and that Terry and I were working on thinning it out. She said she didn't think it could be done without her in the sessions. I cautiously told her I think we could because so much of it was a "man thing" especially where Marco was concerned. She said that was fine but when were we going to get our sex lives back on track? I told her one thing at a time because I was honestly feeling so overwhelmed. She said I was "wound tighter than a three dollar wrist watch" and for once I had to just "let myself go." I asked her if she knew what a frightening thought that was to me to lose control and she said thought it would be the "ultimate cure" for me to "get laid." She said "it would undoubtedly wind me down considerably" and I told her so would the ashes and she shot up like a rocket and slapped me square in the mouth! She had a fit to say the least. Oh man did she ever have one hell of a fit!

She at one point threatened to shop vac my ashes and clean that spot out entirely so that maybe I would start paying attention to her. I told her if she even so much as went near my ashes or the remains of the Tack House to do them harm, I'd kill her where she stood. And she knew I meant it too! Then she said "What is it Mike? What the f***is the big attraction?" and I told her I didn't quite understand it myself but I do know that I have quite a bond with the place and that it's my space and will continue to be my space until construction starts for the new Tack House. I told her when she wasn't here, when I gutted it, it was like I was gutting the old me and going to rebuild the new me. I told her I'm not done rebuilding me yet. Once I get me totally rebuilt, then I can go and start construction. But now, I'm in a rebuilding process for my own self and that is where it is starting. In a pile of ashes which is fine with me.

Believe it or not, she said that actually made sense to her. I told her it scared me that something I said made sense. She said it did make sense to her and now she can handle it a whole different way. She never ceases to fail to amaze me. She really doesn't. She actually apologized for being so disrespectful about the whole thing and I told her it was OK because it was really hard for me to explain; that I didn't quite understand it so I didn't know how I would have anyone else understand it. But that was big when she apologized and I told her that. Finally a breakthrough in understanding. That was such a long time in coming. Good grief! We both resumed sitting on the porch swing and smoking. We rocked gently on the swing listening to nature "talk" to us once again. I told her I swore I could sit out there forever because it was so peaceful. After a while, we finally smoked our last cigarettes and headed inside. She wanted to sleep with me and I turned her down much to her dismay. She wanted to make love and I told her **no** and surprisingly she didn't make a fuss, which really shocked me. She went in her room; I went in mine and called it a night after a couple of more smokes.

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	18. Chapter 18

**A/N The lines of the song that Mike quotes is called "Both Sides Now" by Sammy Hagar and I realize it wasn't written in the 70's but it seemed to fit what Mike was telling him perfectly. **

**And I want to say thank you so much for the positive feedback! THAT is what makes me want to keep on keeping on. :-)**

**Chapter 18**

Well the "big day" (or as Terry put it "D-Day") had come. He reserved three hours for it and we suspected we'd need all three hours too! I was a nervous wreck. But I was ready to face this head to head once and for all. Terry asked me if I was ready for this or if I needed more time and I told him I was ready; that I didn't need more time. I had a cigarette lit and started pacing like a caged animal. Terry told me to "just relax" and I told him I was trying to. He told me to have a seat in my "Safe Zone." So that's what I did. I bent my knees and wrapped my arms around them and rested my chin on my knees.

Terry then said to concentrate and s-l-o-w-l-y drift back to the time the alarm sounded. So I started rocking a little and went back to the sound of the alarm going off. He asked "where I was" a few minutes later and I replied blankly "At the fire" and he said "What are you doing?" I replied "Manning Sagourney and waiting for further orders from Cap." Terry then asked "Where is Marco?" and I replied "In the house fighting the fire with Chet and the other Engine Company." Terry then asked "Have the conditions of the fire been reported?" and I said "Yeah. A few seconds ago, Johnny was on the radio and told Cap that the roof was dangerously close to going" and Terry said "What did the Captain say?" and I said "I don't know. I'm on my way in the house now! I have save them!" I remember standing up at that time and running to the barn, I swear I saw flames shooting out and I was there at the fire. I yelled pretty loud at Marco, John, Roy and the victim to "Get out! Quick! Go!" and at that moment I heard that sound of the roof coming down on my back. I fell to the ground and screamed in pain. I was feeling it all over again and the physical and mental pain was excruciating.

I allowed myself to feel the pain because it was all a part of the scenario. I was writhing in pain on the barn floor. I got up and fell to my knees and started to vomit. Oh man, it was nasty. After I was done vomiting, I went back out of the barn in the vicinity of the ashes. I spotted one of English's many toolboxes and opened it angrily. I threw her tools all over Hell's Half Acre yelling the whole time I did. An angry demon had been unleashed in me. I started kicking the toolbox once I emptied it yelling "Dam you Marco! Dam you, dam you, dam you! You dumb son of a bitch you dam near caused me my life! I vaguely remember hearing Terry say "That's it Mike. Get it out and let it go." I kept on saying "I hate you for risking my life like that! What the f*** were you thinking? Why didn't you stop me? I hate you, I hate you, I hate you for that!" By that time, the toolbox was destroyed and I do mean destroyed.

I fell to my knees again and wailed. Oh my God did I ever cry. There was so much bottled up inside me. It scared me. Once I got done crying I slowly and exhaustedly got up and stumbled over to the ashes and plopped down and lit up a cigarette. Terry slowly walked up to me and said "May I sit beside you Mike?" and I told him he could. He asked me how I felt and I told him "Like a dam fool but much better. I don't hate Marco anymore. It was not his fault I got stupid and did what I did. It isn't anyone'sfault but my own and I understand that now." Terry said "Are you sure about that?" and I said "Dude I was mad at myself and blamed Marco. We got to learn how to listen, before we learn to talk, We got to learn how to crawl, before we learn to walk, If you want a little peace, sometimes you got to fight, we got to walk through the darkness before we stand in the light But I know it won't be long, I see both sides now." Terry said my quotation was "deep" and "very philosophical." I told him it was part of a song I once heard and it impressed me so much it never left me. He said there was "a lot of truth" to that song. I agreed.

He asked me how I was feeling and I told I did feel much better; it was like a literal ton of weight was taken off my chest. He nodded his understanding and told me I had "a hell of a lot of courage" to do what I just done. I told him I was just so relieved that my hatred for Marco was gone. I honestly felt it was because I was so mad at myself that I had to blame someone so Marco got the heat. I felt bad but that was just the way it happened. Terry asked me what direction I wanted to go to next and I told him I didn't know; at that point my brain felt like oatmeal! He said he could understand that. He asked me if I was going to be OK and I told him I thought I would be. So he got up and I did too and walked him to his car. I felt like I had gone seventy rounds with a buzz saw and lost. I was so glad that it was finally over and it was out of my system. Now I could relax**.**

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	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

A couple of weeks later I was feeling much better. A sense of relief washed over me. But be that as it may be I still had one more mission of sorts to complete. I had to confess to Marco how I was feeling. Reason being I went to Confession and my priest told me for contrition I had to tell Marco how I felt.

So I climbed in my truck and headed for Marco's place. He had a nice little house with cats, dogs, rabbits and birds. The animals lived the life of riley with him. He loved them dearly and they were very tame. I arrived at Marco's and put my cigarette out because Marco was a strict non-smoker and that I could live with. Being that I was the only smoker in the group, Marco would always tease me about it. He would regularly tell me I needed to quit because it wasn't good for me. My response to him was a good-natured "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up already" and we always laughed about it. I knocked on his door nervously and was greeted with the sound of barking dogs. Marco came to the door and was surprised to see me. He invited me in and we shook hands. I sat down on the couch and he offered me a beer and I accepted his gracious offer.

Once we got settled in, he asked me how I was doing and I told him I was doing much better. He said he was worried about me, that I wasn't acting much like myself. I told him he was right; I was in the process of trying to dig myself "out of a hole" so to speak. He nodded his understanding and I said I was there for a reason. I told him I had something I had to confess to him. He looked startled and confused. I told him just did not know where to start. He asked me if I was mad at him lately and I told I was but it was all so complicated regarding the reason. He asked what it was that he done to make me mad and I told him before I got into the specifics of it, I had to tell him something that only Cap and Chief McConnikee knew. I told him I totally trusted him with the information I was about to give him because we went back such a long way. I proceeded to tell him about my medications and my Clinical Depression. I think he was shocked but very empathetic. I told him that was a big reason for being so quiet and aloof. He said it made perfect sense to him. I told him bearing that in mind, my thought processes were pretty well f***ed up for a while. And in the confusion and the thought processes being what they were before the medications kicked in like they should have, I blamed him for the accident and just didn't know why. I still didn't know why and that was the honest truth. I hung my head in total remorse and shame and apologized to him and asked him if would forgive me and I told him it would be totally understandable if he didn't and he said without hesitation "Mike of course I'll forgive you. We've known each other too long for me not to." I told him I was so grateful for his understanding. He said he was so relieved that I was "getting back to normal" and I said "Me? Normal? You gotta be shittin' me" and we both had a good laugh over that one.

He asked me to do one thing for him and I said "Anything" and he asked if I ever got upset with him again to come to him and tell him and I promised him I would. We took a drink and toasted each other. My heart was full of gratitude towards the man. I was so thankful that we had such a good talk and got everything worked out. Now to move on to fix English and I. That is if it was fixable.

TBC


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

The first thing I wanted to find out in counseling is where English was the whole time she was gone. I didn't ask her where she went when she came back because I thought she'd eventually tell me but she never did so I wanted to find out where she was. The second thing I wanted to know is why she came back. What motivated her to do so? I also wanted to know why she didn't contact us during the time she was gone. It angered me to a degree because the twins were suffering because they didn't understand the dynamics of what was going on and the least she could have done was call. She didn't have to talk to me. She should have called them to assure them that she loved them and that it wasn't their fault that she left. Those were my basic issues that I wanted to explore with her.

I knew the basic issue with her was sex. So whilst sitting in the ashes, I made notes of what I wanted to discuss in the next session with Terry. I couldn't help but feel that English was doing the same. Later on that week, we went to see Terry. He asked English what she wanted to work on and course the first words out of her mouth were "our sex lives." Terry asked her if it had improved at all and she said "Are you kidding me? He will not have unprotected sex with me." Terry then asked her if we were having sex at all and she replied "Hell no! Mike's got it in his stubborn head that we now need to be married before he'll have sex with me." Terry looked at me sort of surprised and said "What the hell brought that on Mike?" and before I could answer English said "Another excuse not to be intimate with me" and Terry said to her very patiently "Levi I asked Mike. Please allow him to answer." I said "Thank you Terry. The reason is simple. Now that the boys are older, I'm worried about what kind of example we are setting. I know it sounds kind of ridiculous because of the living situation but I didn't want to set the wrong example for the twins." Terry cautiously said "OK so if you don't want to set a bad example, do you have any plan on marrying her?" and I answered "Eventually. We have a lot to work out in the meantime." English then said "How the hell can we work out anything when you won't meet me half way?" and I said "I know." Then said "If you know, then why the f*** won't you do anything about it?" and I told her "Because there are times when I am really motivated and other times I'm not." Terry asked me if I could see having sex with her in the "foreseeable future" and I told that I could as long as there was a condom involved.

English then had an idea. She said since I insisted on using a condom and she knew I didn't want any more children, she asked me if I would consider "getting neutered." My instinctive reaction to that was "Ouch!" but after thinking it over I replied "I never gave that option a thought. I can do that." Terry said he thought under the circumstances it was "a step in the right direction." I told him I thought it was a reasonable suggestion. English seemed pleased that I was actually going to take one of her suggestions. I told her that I would talk to Doc Brackett about getting it done in a timely fashion and I was being totally truthful with her when I said that. I figured that was going to help ease alot of the tension between us plus I wouldn't have to use a condom after I got "snipped" and we could make love probably as often as she wanted us to after that. And we wouldn't have to worry about her getting pregnant or pulling any of her tricks on me to get pregnant. It would be such a relief to be able to go that route.

Deep down inside, I was dying to "get inside her" but I just could not tell her that at the time. I would tell her that after I got "snipped." I saw it as a reasonable suggestion. And I would follow through with it. Gladly. I wasn't too proud to do that. I knew she couldn't get "spayed" because she was too young and didn't have many health problems so there wasn't anyway they were going to justify that sort of thing which was understandable.

As soon as we got home after the session, I called Doc Brackett and he told me that wasn't "his specialty" but he would refer me to someone who did do that on a regular basis and had his every confidence. I was fine with that.

Dr. Phil Stone is who he referred me to and I made an appointment for the following week. Goodbye manhood but it was for the best. I just didn't want to risk bringing another damaged child into the world. There would be no justifying it. At all.

TBC


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

I called Dr. Stone up and made an appointment to "get neutered." I guess it wasn't all that big a deal to; he said they could do it right in his office. The only side effect would be of course, a little pain "down there" but it wouldn't be anything I couldn't live with. A couple of Extra Strength Tylenol (which is safe to take with my other meds) and I should be "good to go." We scheduled it for a week from the day I called. I was more than willing to go through with it. Problem was, my head wasn't quite ready. So I had to have time to work through all the thoughts going through my head and silence them and my doubts and I figured by the time I went in to have the procedure done, I'd be ready both physically and mentally.

I told Tabby I was going to have it done and she was shocked. She thought I was "too young" to have that done. I shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't want any more children. So in order to avoid that, I'm going to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen. English doesn't like having sex when I have a condom on." She says it doesn't feel "natural." I think she's full of shit but I'm not a woman so I can't feel it the way she does when it comes to that.

Hopefully too this will help my "raging hormones and testosterone" as English puts it level out and work with each other instead of against each other which they appear to be doing now. I don't know I would tend to think she'd be happy that they are raging…go and figure a dam woman! I don't think they are working against each other at all. I just think she uses that reasoning for a coping mechanism if the truth were told.

I told English if this works as well as it sounds it might, I just might have the twins go through the same procedure and she came uncorked. She said if even so much as considered it for them that she would have me arrested for child abuse! I told her once I told the cops that they have mental problems (which they truly do but are much better and functioning well at this point) they might agree with me that procreating might not be a good idea for them. She didn't like that idea one iota. Oh well, we'd have to see how it worked out on me before them.

That we both agreed on. Scary isn't it? I'd say so. Anyway, there was this battle going on in my mind about this ("getting neutered"). My heart said it was the right thing to do. Even though there was a fifty percent chance of a baby being born to English and I of not being damaged, the odds just weren't high enough for me. She asked me recently if I was in any way ashamed of the twins for being "damaged" and I gave her the confident answer of "no way in hell am I ashamed of them."

So English being English, she had to take it one step further and said "If you aren't ashamed of them why won't you take a chance and have a baby with me?" I looked at her and said "You just don't f***ing get it do you? You have seen what the twins have been through getting tweaked and adjusted. Why the blue bloody hell would I want to put another innocent child through that if I can avoid doing so?"

She looked at me and said "Mike there is a fifty percent chance that our child won't be born that way" and I rolled my eyes at her and said "But there is a fifty percent chance it will be and I'm not satisfied with those odds. Shut the f*** up already. My mind is made up. I'm going to kiss my 'manhood' goodbye. Just stop playing with and preying on my head." With that, I got up and headed for the ashes. She seriously knew better than to follow me there. Everyone in this house knows better than to follow me there.

So I plopped down in the ashes and began to do what I do best there. Think. Contemplate. Sift through things in my mind. Rationalize. Thank God I have that "little corner of the world" to retreat to and that people know not to bother me when I'm sitting there. I thought about what I did before I had that place to go to and I don't know how I ever did it without it. I pretty much have my mind made up that I'll never get rid of it. Even if I do continue staying stable and all that. I can't part with it. It's become a "living, breathing" part of me. It's so hard to explain but I know how I feel about it and that's really all that matters. We all have our ways of coping with life and here in the ashes of the old Tack House is my way. It's not hurting anyone, it's not hurting me, it's not a threat to anyone (even English who thankfully has finally come to accept it and live with it and go on) so it's all good.

I was sitting there for quite a while when a car pulled up the long driveway to the Ranch. I heard it but because I was so consumed with myself, I didn't pay all that much attention until a voice said "Mike, how are you doing? Am I invading your space or can we talk?" and it was Terry. I looked up and said "Hey Terry. What brings you out here?" and Terry said as he pulled up a bale of hay outside the parameter of my "sacred ground" and took a seat and said "You had an appointment today and you missed it and I was worried" and I gave him such a dumb-founded look (it had to be; I never missed my appointments with him) and said "What in the blue bloody hell?" and he said "Yeah I was thinking along those same lines. Are you OK?" and I said "Now I am. I wasn't earlier. English and I got into it. She suggested me getting neutered. I agreed to it. Now the dumb bitch is trying to talk me out of it in so many words. So we got into it and I came to my safe zone to sort things out."

Terry nodded his understanding and asked "You want to have Levi come out here to explain her side of it? We can do a session here if you'd like. I had a cancellation and that's how I had time to come out." My reply? "I really rather not because she might talk me out of it and that would not be a good thing." Terry slid off his bale of hay and sat with his back against it; still in the outside area of the ashes and this was not lost on me. "Don't go any further" I said to him sounding like and feeling like a threatened animal and he said "I won't. It's OK Mike. I'm on your side remember? It's just me. I know where my limits are and I would never cross them because I know how much that would hurt and anger you and not only that it would be invading your space and that's something I do not want to do."

Once I calmed down I did apologize to him and he said "No apology necessary. Next time I do that, I'll get permission first. Lesson learned." I gave him a thumbs up so he knew everything was all good. "May I ask you a question?" and I said "I know what the question is. I'll answer it. She's getting to my head man. She's not going give up until she has to. She knows she has one more week to talk me out of this. I don't want her to know just yet how bad I want to sleep with her. It's driving me stone cold insane!"

Terry said "Well, I could talk to her and tell her to ease off of you" and I said "It's not that easy. Haven't you seen how f***ing determined she is? She wants me to impregnate her. She wants to have a child with me. I have two kids now and that's all I want. It's all I can handle. I don't know what I have to personally do to get that through her thick head!" and Terry said "Keep in mind that I am totally neutral in this but I do have an observation to share. May I?" and I said "Proceed" and he said "Most couples do want to have children with each other. I think with her, she wants to carry a part of you with her and then give birth to a part of you because I have no doubt the woman does love you. She'd have to. She's been through an awful lot with you" and I told him I couldn't argue that point with him and that I knew that already. He took it one step further and said "Well I'm glad you can understand then. What if something unthinkable were to happen to you Mike? You've been through it once but what would happen God forbid, if you should lose your life? If you had a baby with her, that baby would bring endless comfort to her because it was a part of you that she shared with you."

I looked at Terry and said "She's got the twins. They are without a doubt a part of me" and Terry said "Granted but they technically are not a part of her. She wants a baby that is a part of both of you." I asked him if he was trying to talk me out of having that done and he said "Not by any means. I'm just trying to help you see her side too so that you can make a more solid decision with what you are going to do is all."

I then said "I'm too scared Terry. You have to remember the twins didn't come to me until they were both five. They were already toilet trained and all that. I don't think I could handle having a baby. I'm just not cut out for that and I know I'm not. It's been a struggle to be a father to the twins because of the way it all came down. I love them with all my heart and soul now, you know that. I'd die for one of them if I had to. But it was a process. And if I didn't bond with the baby right away, English would be on me because of that. I'm not into midnight feedings and shitty diapers. I can't handle that. Cap has a child who is pretty well damaged in the twilight zone most of the time. He's seven years old and they still have to spoon feed him and change his shitty diapers and I just cannot see how Cap puts up with that! Seven years old!"

And Terry said "Now now Mike you have be fair to Captain Stanley's child. It's not his fault. He was born that way. I admire Captain Stanley and his wife for keeping that child at home and not putting him away somewhere. The love they have for all their children is amazing" and Mike said "No arguments. Cap and Stephanie are two of the best when it comes to parenting. I don't know how many times I've turned him for advice and he's helped me every time. Steph has too on occasion. They are true experts at it. But getting back to what I was saying. I can't handle shitty diapers, being puked on and getting up in the middle of the night to feed a child."

Terry said "I think Levi told me once if she had a child she would nurse" and I said "Then she dam well better quit smoking if she's going to nurse. She can do that after the baby is done nursing." Terry said "Well, I would think that you would be used to getting up in the middle of the night with being an Engineer and all. You do get calls during the night no?" and I said "True enough but they (the calls) aren't to get puked on or change shitty diapers!" and he said "Well maybe you and Levi can come to some understanding who is going to do what when the baby wakes up. Is that a reasonable suggestion?"

And I said "No because there isn't going to be a baby to get up to. I can't do it. I'm too dam scared. I don't want that baby damaged Dude. She's willing to risk but I am not and I think the decision I made is the best one for all concerned. Jimmy and Joey are enough. I can't handle another one. Unless she would agree to raise it until its potty trained and all that. Then along about age four I'll get active in its life. That's not a cool idea either." Terry said "You know Mike, if she were to get pregnant, I bet you would be so enamored with the idea that you wouldn't have time to be afraid. You told me a while back that you resented Pauline so much for not telling you that you had children and you missed all their "firsts." You wouldn't miss the "firsts" with this child and that experience could fill a void in your heart. You know how to parent. You have two children that because of your love for them are doing so well right now. You ride horses with them, you fish with them, you take them putt putt golfing and do all sorts of things with them. Why would you not do that with another child?"

I sat there and lit up a cigarette (something I don't normally do in the ashes because I'm so contented there and usually don't feel like one but this was a whole different situation) and smoked it without a word and Terry gave me time to sort through it (as he usually does) and I said "Well that's one way of looking at it. Yeah, it does still piss me off that I couldn't experience their first steps, first teeth, first words, etc. It was so unfair to them to not have a father in their lives when they had one he just didn't know he was one if that makes any f***ing sense." Terry said "It makes a lot of sense to me Mike. Think about all the neat things you could experience with having another child. She only wants one."

I said "No she doesn't. She said since I am Catholic, our household should be more like Cap's and there is no way in hell I'm having nine kids! Not on her best day high or drunk." Terry said "Well there a few Catholics here and there that do secretly practice birth control and I don't have a problem with it. It's their lives and their choice" and I said "Thank you" and he said "No problem." "Besides that English isn't even Catholic, she won't convert so why does she think our household would be anything like Cap's? Steph is a cradle Catholic just like Cap. It's hard enough keeping the twins on the straight and narrow about this. She's been a help but the fact that she won't convert doesn't help. So no our household could **never** be like Cap's. They have a 'normal' marriage. We are the dysfunctional couple from hell."

Terry said "Well who says it has to be that way until the day you die?" and I said "I just can't imagine it any other way. Us? Normal? What the blue bloody hell is that?" and Terry chuckled and said "Well being that you are in counseling it's a positive step to become more functional is it not?" and I said "In some ways, yes. Her and I think far too differently to ever be functional" and Terry said "But you know the saying that opposites attract don't you?" and I said "Yeah I do but it doesn't apply in this situation I do not believe." Terry thought about that for a second and asked me what attracted me to English in the first place.

I told him it wasn't one thing but a combination of things. The fact that we were so young and snuck around like we did, the fact that we weren't afraid to defy authority, her spunky personality, her beautiful long, dark hair. There were many things that attracted me to her. That's why she'll ever be the only woman that I can love. After digesting this Terry said "I think you and her argue and fight because you are so much alike. Both of you are bull-headed, head-strong, strong-willed and determined to get your own way" and I said to him "Hold the phone just one minute here. I'm nothing like that. I have to be headstrong or I would lose total control of myself. That would not be a good thing" and Terry said "You don't see yourself as being bull-headed, strong-willed or determined?" and I said "Not particularly. It came out of me when I was trying to regain the use of my body but I have chilled way out since then."

Terry told me I didn't need to try and defend myself because those weren't always bad qualities to have and he further added that if it weren't for those qualities I would probably be off somewhere in a corner feeling sorry for myself, totally paralyzed from the waist down. So that kinda made me feel better. Terry said "What from your standpoint, would it feel like if you were to 'lose control?'" and I told him "It wouldn't be pretty" and he said "Explain please" and I said "I don't really want to talk about that. I think it would go back to the dark moods, the explosive temper, the feeling of just being so overwhelmed and suffocated. He said that made good sense to him, that those were some "good, honest answers."

But the "loss of control" he was talking about was giving into English and making love to her and I said "I actually love losing my head inside her" and he gave me the most dumb-founded look and I said "But there is a time and place for everything and right now is not the right time. She's a hell of a lover. She knows what switches and levers to mess with inside and outside of me to arouse me. Making love to her is always an adventure. A good adventure. But then came the night she raped and violated me and try as hard as I have, I still cannot get that image out of my dam head" and Terry said it all finally made sense to him.

It wasn't the fact that English is a lousy lover, it isn't the fact that she cannot satisfy me, that she's lousy in bed (because she is none of those, not even close) it's the fact that her one very bad decision has damaged me beyond anyone's imagination. Terry said he almost felt guilty having the above discussion with me and I told him if it helped him understand where I was coming from, it was all worth it. He nodded his head in understanding and apologized and I told him there was no need for it. He's a counselor. He has to ask questions. Even those that are sometimes very uncomfortable.

He said he was very thankful for my being so understanding and I told him not to sweat it because I can talk to him as easy as a brother and he really appreciated that which is the truth. Terry and Travis to me are like brothers. They helped me through some of the darkest hours of my life and I don't know what I would have done without them. Terry said he had to wrap it up at that point; he had to get back to the clinic. I told him I'd call first thing in the morning to schedule another appointment and apologized up and down for missing this one but told him it might have meant to be worked out this way seeing the discussion that we had. He said quite possibly.

He glanced over in "Dancer's" direction and said "Do you think one day you can let me take a ride on 'Dancer'?" and I said "We'll have to do another session out here and we can do it via horseback so yeah you can. You'll love him. He's so gentle and so graceful." Terry said he can only visualize what a neat ride it would be and I said "Dancer's good with everyone who rides him. He just has a way of figuring out who is riding and goes from there. Very intelligent."

Terry said he was going to have pull himself away and head back. I thanked him for coming out and that I really did think that talking here and how we did was fine and I didn't have a problem with it. I think he appreciated that. Question was what would he come up with in the next session? And what would my decision be a week from today? Back to the ashes. The puzzle wasn't quite put back together when I was interrupted.

TBC


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

Back to the ashes to contemplate, think, move the puzzle pieces around and see if I could get them to fit where they belonged. The ashes are so good for doing this type of thing because it's quiet and I get left alone until I come into the house or away from the pile. Well not exactly a "pile pile." Just an area when the old Tack House came down where it was gutted and parameter of it.

I got to thinking about some of the stuff Terry said. Especially about experiencing a baby's firsts. I will probably forever resent Pauline for not even bothering to tell me about the fact that she was pregnant. Even if there is a possibility she might not have known at the time she left me, it still did not excuse her from doing such a cruel thing as to keep it away from me completely.

But the other side of that coin is, like I mentioned before, I wasn't ready to be a father and more than likely she knew that. But why didn't she at least tell me? I know this is pretty well water under the bridge but there is probably going to come a time when the twins start asking questions about their obscure beginnings. What in the hell should I tell them? Will they believe me when I tell them I knew absolutely nothing about them until they were five and came to the States and to me? How do I explain such a totally unbelievable situation? I just do not know.

They know how much I love them. But it took some time getting there. How would they feel if we did have a baby? I know they'd have a lot of questions and rightfully so. Come to think of it that might make for an interesting session with English and I because that whole inexplicable situation still has never been made real clear to me. I still do not know, going on three years later, how English made contact with Pauline or how Pauline made contact with English for that matter. So in order to be able to explain this to the twins, I need more information.

So I'm not going to ask them how they would feel about another baby in the house until I get all that information on their rather mysterious beginnings and how they ended up with me. Should be very interesting to say the least. And, by getting that information, when the time comes to explain, I'll be armed with that information so to speak. So I'm going to add that to the list of things I need to know from English. But going back to their birth and all I missed. Were they ever baptized in the Catholic faith? Will they qualify for their First Communion, which is coming up here fairly quick?

I've got to get these answers before I decide on "getting neutered." But then I wonder if English could handle having a baby full time? I remember when the twins first came she had to go through parenting classes (I should have but declined to at that particular point in time. My bad) because one day I came home from the Station and she had them cutting the grass, one each with a pair of scissors! That was something I probably will never forget. They probably won't either for that matter.

But I have to say after she went through the parenting classes she did much better in the matters of parenting and disciplining. Before I started on the med regimen I wasn't much of a parent or disciplinarian. I really didn't know how to be. It was not a good situation for the twins or me. So English pretty much did that until I became a better parent not counting the time she was away. Now I pretty much handle the duty of discipline. But the twins know that Tabby and English reserve the right to put the hammer down when needed on them.

Anyway, I will have to get that information if I am to talk to them and explain how they "happened" more or less. I have no idea what kind of life they had until they came to me. I know they were totally out of control when they came so it is possible that Pauline didn't discipline them or she was so wrapped up in her own shit she didn't know how to or care to for that matter to take care of them properly. I know bits and pieces of the circumstances surrounding Pauline's suicide; according to English the doctors had said that she (Pauline) "went crazy" and "lost her mind" (No shit! She would have to do such a drastic thing!) before taking her life. I have no idea if the twins were a part of that or if they were in English's care by then.

There is so much about their beginnings that is such a baffling mystery to me. All I know is one thing. They are my children. DNA testing after they came to the States confirmed that. I really didn't think it was necessary; they looked just like my kindergarten pictures when they came. So I had no doubt that they belonged to me. And they were named after me. My full name is Charles Michael Stoker. Joseph Charles and James Michael. Another indication that they are mine. Then my mind wanders more. If I were to agree to have another child (which odds are one hundred to one I won't) could I possibly produce another set of twins? Scary, scary thought! I have two just like me now. I don't want two more. There weren't any twins in our family so Pauline's side must have had twins somewhere down the line.

I just can't figure out for the life of me why Pauline never contacted me. If she wanted to kill herself, was it because she couldn't take care of the twins? I would have taken them if it would have saved her life. Even though it was a bitter, bitter divorce, I would have helped her had she asked for it. What part did English play in all this exactly? These are things I have to know. And she's not going to want to talk about it but it has to come out because I have to know. I believe she brought the twins to me with every good intention because she knew that I knew nothing about them and she could have just as easily stayed in Australia forever and had them all to herself and I would have never been the wiser because I wouldn't have known until they got older and came looking for me.

She said when she brought them to me that she believed with all her heart and soul that they belonged with their biological father. So her intentions were pure at heart when she brought them to me. She said something about having to go through a lot of red tape to get them here and to me. I can imagine so. I still don't know how she managed to pull that off. That's another thing she'll have to explain to me. I know she had talked to a governmental agency about me and that because I was their biological father and that she felt they belonged with me. She must have had someone agree with her and be on her side to make it happen. A lawyer perhaps. Hell, I don't know. I don't! I want to know though.

It's all so frustrating and confusing. I'm going to go inside and see if her and I can hop on the horses and go for a ride. I'm not going to wait until I see Terry next week. I need some answers. I've waited long enough. Hopefully she'll be receptive. I have to know. I do. I have a right to know. It's all in the approach though with her and I do know that as well. Well, here goes nothing**.**

TBC


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

**There is a section in here in dialogue between Mike and Tabby. I think it was much easier to write it that way so that the reader could understand what I am trying to convey easier. And sorry for the format being messed up in a couple of places. I'm not happy about that. Again, my apologies. **

I went in the house and asked English if she would take a ride with me on the horses. I told her we could go because Tabby was there and the boys would have someone there when they got home from school. She asked me suspiciously why I wanted to go and I told her I really needed to talk some things over with her, which was the truth. She asked what things and I said I wanted to know more about how she got involved in the twins lives and how they got to the States to me and how she got in touch with Pauline and "a bunch of other things."

She said she didn't think that was important now that they (the twins) are here and doing well, "no sense in living in the past." I told her that wasn't my goal; if the twins start asking questions which they no doubt will, I want to give them some honest, sensible answers and I can't because I don't have the answers. She was the only one that did and never has bothered to tell me how it all went down in the first place. She asked me again why I had to know and I said I was still contemplating the upcoming "neutering" and thought about some things Terry said to me about possibly having another baby and I couldn't make that decision completely without all the facts.

She then said "If I tell you will you have a baby with me?" and I was furious that she would be so conniving as to "dicker" with me over something as important as this information would be to me. I said "When I walked in this house, you had a seventy five percent chance of having a baby with me. Now, that went straight to hell because of your mouth and attitude. F*** it fine. Whatever. The die is cast. I'm getting 'neutered' and when the twins start asking questions, I'll direct them to you because you are the only one who has those answers. I can't believe you're being such a conniving bitch at this moment. I'm their father. Their only living biological parent. I have a right to know. Thanks for absolutely f***ing nothing."

I went back outside and plopped down in my "safe zone." I rocked to soothe my temper. A couple of minutes later, Tabby came out and walked up and said "Mike, may I talk with you?" and I said "Sure have a seat on the bale of hay but no closer" and she said "Fine, I can do that" and did it. She said she felt so bad that English wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know. She said she knew everything I wanted to know because English, when she first came back (to the Ranch) and got to know Tabby, confided everything about the twins and how we met and all that stuff to her.

She said she could answer my questions but she didn't want English to know that she told me. I told her that would be fine. I told her to grab a horse; I'd take "Dancer" and away we would go. Tabby asked if English would get suspicious and I told her not to worry about it; if she isn't going to tell me stuff than I'm not telling her stuff. I know it was rather immature but that's the way it had to be. So, I mounted "Dancer" and Tabby took "Blaze" and away we went. I told her to follow me; that we'd go to a place that English knew nothing about so we could talk freely and English would be none the wiser.

We rode for a good half hour before we stopped and both horses were trotting happily along. We parked them under a shade tree and took a seat under a shade tree beside them. Tabby remarked how graceful the horses were and I had to agree with her. She kept looking around to make sure we were alone and I told her to relax that English didn't know about this particular spot. I told Tabby I was ready when she was. She took a deep breath and began. This is basically what it sounded like:

Tabby: "I think it might be better if you would just ask the questions. Then I can answer them. I feel like a heel betraying her confidence but you do have a right to know this and I really disagree with her keeping it from you."

Mike: "Whatever is easiest for you and I know what you mean but you are doing the right thing and I can't thank you enough for sticking your neck out this far for me. Believe me she will never know that you told me anything because I'm never going to tell her I know. It'll be business as usual with her when I get home. Your loyalty means the world to me. It really does."

Tabby: "OK. Go ahead."

Mike: "How did English originally get in touch with Pauline?"

Tabby: "Levi told me she went to Pauline's house to read her the riot act for what she put you through concerning the divorce. Once she got to Pauline's house, one of the neighbors told her that Pauline had moved to Sydney, Australia. She said since you and her weren't together at the time, she decided to go to Sydney to find her. So that's what she did."

Mike: "How long did it take English to find her?"

Tabby: "A couple of months. A good couple of months."

Mike: "What condition was Pauline in when English found her?"  
Tabby: "She was very obviously pregnant so Levi decided to keep her comments to herself. She wondered at that point if the child was yours or someone else's. She had no idea Pauline was carrying twins. And Pauline didn't tell her she was carrying twins."

Mike: "How far along was she?"  
Tabby: "Levi 'guestimated' about six months if not more."

Mike: "How was Pauline's mental status at that time?"

Tabby: "Levi really didn't say much about it."

Mike: "Was English there when the twins were born?"  
Tabby: "No. She said she left Pauline alone for a while and caught back up with her some time later. About three years later according to her."

Mike: "What condition were the twins in when she re-established contact with Pauline?"

Tabby: "They had been taken from her at that point and placed in a children's home somewhere in Sydney. It took her quite a while to find them because their last names were combined. Pauline's maiden name with your sir name. She said she asked for the Stoker twins and there weren't any such twins listed. So it took her a good year to find them."

Mike: "How did she know there were two of them?"

Tabby: "Pauline told her. She even showed her their pictures."

Mike: "How did she finally find them?"

Tabby: "Levi made contact with Pauline again to ask her how they were listed and what names they were under. Pauline asked her why she wanted to know and Levi told her she wanted to take them out and bring them home to you in the States because they deserved to be with their father. She made the mistake of telling her that you were a more stable parent."

Mike: "And did Pauline capitulate?"

Tabby: "No. She refused to give her the information. She swore up and down she would never tell her because she never wanted you to find out about them. She didn't think you deserved to know. At least that was the impression Levi got."

Mike: "How did English end up getting the information?"

Tabby: "She hired an investigator to dig around and find out where they were. She did say it took about a year for the investigator to find them."

Mike: "So when did Pauline end her life? And why?"

Tabby: "That was never made real clear to me. You might have to ask Levi about that."

Mike: "Figures she'd be enigmatic about that. Stupid Bitch I swear. When did she finally find the twins?"

Tabby: "About a year after she hired the investigator."

Mike: "What condition were they in? Or do I want to know that?"

Tabby: "Well they were four years old at the time. They seemed well taken care of and happy where they were. The people in this children's home were really good people and they were really good to the kids. I think the main thing was that they weren't separated. The investigator's records showed that they were attempted to be adopted three different times but in each adoption, they only wanted one child and the children's home would not allow them to be separated even though they wanted them to have a home. It would have killed them to be separated because they were really close, as you know. And the children's home believed in keeping them together. It was their strict policy."

Mike: "How did English get them out of the children's home?"

Tabby: "She explained to them that you were living in the States, knew nothing about them and that you were their biological father. She assured them you would want **both** children and she said she fought hard to get them here to you. She had to spend a lot of time with them first, getting to know them and seeing how they would react to her and she said they hit it off really well. It wasn't long before she really started to love the kids."

Mike: "But why wasn't I notified? She had found them."

Tabby: "She didn't want you to know because if she couldn't bring them back here, she didn't want you to be hurt or heartbroken or forced to make the choice to having to leave the States and the fire service and live in Sydney on a permanent basis. So she said she sat on the information for a long time. A good year. It liked to have killed her. She told the boys they had a father back in the States and he would be so glad to see them. She painted you as a great guy and someone they would want to live with and have fun with. She told them you were a firefighter and that you helped save lives and they were really anxious to finally meet you. The investigator stepped in and took it to court and hired a really good lawyer for Levi and the twins and it was determined that she was granted temporary custody of them until she got them here in the States and gave them to you. She assured them she would; that she had no other intention but that one. So they trusted her and she fulfilled her agreement. She signed a decree that stated specifically she was to bring them here, to the States, to you."

Mike: "Wow. She really did go through a lot to get them here didn't she?"  
Tabby: "It sounds like she did. And she knew she was going to give them up when she did. She said she told the courts children belong with their biological parents and being that their mother was dead, they needed to be with their father who would want both of them. It wasn't an easy thing for her to do, giving them up because they were together for over a year."

Mike: "Why then, if they spent so much time with English were they so out of control when they came to me?"

Tabby: "Levi was trying to work with them to settle them down but to no avail. She wasn't sure what to do."

Mike: "Well yeah. That makes sense. Anything else you remember that you want to add?"

Tabby: "Not that I can think of."

Mike: "Well your openness has really helped answer a good many questions in my mind. It helps me so much. But if the twins come around and ask questions, I'm directing them to English."

Tabby: "That would probably be the wise thing to do. I don't ever want her to know that you know."

Mike: "Trust me Tab, she won't. I would never betray the privilege being given to me. Are you ready to head back?"

Tabby: "Pretty much."

Mike: "Well here's what we probably should do. First do you know the way back?"

Tabby: "Yep. I paid close attention as we were coming here."

Mike: "Great. Give me a fifteen-minute head start. Then that way we won't be returning at the same time. Plus I'm going a different direction so you'll be coming in a different way as well. Follow me?"

Tabby: "Yes and I think that's a good idea."

Mike: "Sounds good. Thanks again for all this. You'll never know how much I sincerely appreciate this. I truly do."

Tabby: "No problem. I'll see you when I get back."

Mike: "Yep. Business as usual. I'm off."

And off I went. My mind was racing with all the information I had gained. I just don't know why English wouldn't answer those questions. I'll never figure that out in all my born days. It was a relief though to have that information. I wonder if English thinks that because she told Pauline that she was going to bring the twins to me if she was the cause of Pauline committing suicide? I was going to ask her that. It could very well explain, if that were the case, why English is so reluctant to talk about it.

After I returned from my ride, the twins ran outside to greet me and show me some really fantastic papers they did in school. I gave them both a big hug and told them I was "super proud" of them. English came out and wanted to know where I had been. I told her I went for a ride. She said she saw Tabby leave with me and I told her she went her way and I went mine. She gave me one of those "looks" and I led "Dancer" back into the corral. He was thirsty so he drank a good little bit.

About twenty minutes later, Tabby came back. I asked her if she enjoyed her ride and she said she did. English asked her where all she went and Tabby answered "Here, there and everywhere else" and English was OK with that surprisingly enough. Tabby led "Blaze" back into the corral. Then she headed inside and the twins followed her with their excellent papers and I asked English if we could talk. She said we could and we headed for the barn. We climbed up into the loft and sat next to each other. I had to approach this with great care and it was all in the timing with her.

I asked her as gingerly as I could "Could you please answer some questions I have about Pauline? Please?" She said "Why are you so obsessed with this all of a sudden?" and I replied very calmly "English I'm not obsessed. I just want to know. It was a bitter divorce as you know but I still would like to know some things and you are the only one that can tell me. I need a sense of closure with that whole situation. You can understand that can't you?" and she said "Not really because it's over and done with." I acknowledged that and said "Just need to know is all. It would be a tremendous act of love on your part if you would tell me. It really would. Dammit English you are capable of so much love when you want to be. Please let this be a time you show that love that I know you have."

She paused for quite some time before she answered me. I gave her all the time she needed. Then she said "I don't know as much as you think I do but I'll answer your questions the best I can" and I thanked her sincerely and said "How did you initially make contact with Pauline?" and English replied "When you divorced, I went after her because even though we weren't together at the time, she needed stark reality and I was going to give it to her for the way she treated you. I went to her house and one of her neighbors told me she moved to Sydney, Australia. I left the States to go find her. It took a good couple of months but I finally tracked her down."

She paused then continued. "When I went to her home I was still pretty well half-cocked on giving her hell but when she answered the door, I thought the better of it." I gave her a confused look and said "Why?" and she said "Because she was very pregnant by then. I would guess about six months anyway." I nodded my understanding and said "How was her mental state at the time?" and English replied "She seemed OK then." I then asked her "How did you find out about the twins?" and English said after lighting a cigarette "I wasn't around her for about three years. Then I went back one day and she actually invited me in. I asked her where her baby was and she told me she had two of them that were both three. So I asked if I could see them and she said they had been taken from her and put in a children's home somewhere in Sydney. She did show me some pictures she had of them. I had no doubt when I seen those pictures that they were your boys because at one point I wondered if she was pregnant by someone else. The pictures took care of that question in a big hurry. I asked how the boys were listed in the children's home and she asked me why I wanted that information and I told her that I wanted to bring the boys back to the States to you."

I asked her how Pauline reacted and English replied "She swore up and down she would never tell anyone where they were because she didn't want you to know you had children." I thought about that for a minute and said "So she would have had to have known she was impregnated when she went to Sydney. Boy oh boy. How dirty is that?" and English agreed with me. I gingerly asked her what she thought led to Pauline's suicide and she said "I don't know. Maybe she did that because no one could ask her any more questions." I said "Yeah that could be one reason." English then gave me this "look" and said "Mike do you think it's my fault?" and I said "No. Nothing like that. But I wonder. Do you think you could have caused it because you've always been such an enigma about this? I assure you I do not in any way, shape or form blame you. Not in the slightest." English dropped her head and said very quietly "Yes I do blame myself for her death."

I responded immediately to that and said "Oh English. You can't blame yourself for something you had no control over" and she said "I should have never told her I wanted the twins. She took a gun to her head and splattered her brain all over because of me!" and she started to cry and cry hard. I told her to let it out; she had kept it bottled up long enough. I told her I didn't blame her and I never have and I never would. I told her it all started to make sense. I told her bringing the twins to the States must have been a huge undertaking. She shrugged it off but because of Tabby I knew better.

I asked her after she pulled herself back together how she finally did find them and she said she hired an investigator and it took a good year to find them. They kept referring to the twins as the Stoker twins and there was no such listing. The Stupid Wench listed them under her maiden name and my sir name to make it even harder to find them. I asked her how long she spent with them before she brought them to the States and me and she said a little over a year. She said during that time, she was in court off and on and trying to convince a judge that she wanted temporary custody of them so that she could bring them back to the States.

She said after a bunch of litigation and red tape, they finally allowed her to have temporary custody and they had her sign a decree stating she would relinquish custody once getting them to the States and to the Ranch. And she followed totally through on that. She also said it was really hard to give them up because she had bonded with them but knew in her "heart of hearts" that they belonged with me, their only living biological parent. She fulfilled her obligation and abided by the decree she signed. Amazing. The mystery was solved.

I asked her why the twins were so out of control when they came to me and she said she tried her best to work with them but they were a handful to say the least. Her and I theorized it was because the children's home probably wasn't much on discipline. That made sense to a point but not too much because they were with her for a little over a year. I didn't push the issue; she was being as cooperative as possible and I had the answers from her I had long been seeking. I sincerely thanked her and told her I could finally have the closure I needed to let this situation die once and for all.

I told her it was a great relief and I thanked her for all she did in bringing them back to the States and to me. I also told her I would have never known about them had it not been for her and I thanked her for the joy she added to my life by bringing them to me. She said it was an act of love on her part and I totally agreed with her on that. Then she said "Mike, make love to me. I can't hold out much longer. I want to be intimate with you again. I want us to reconnect. I want us to be one again. I'm sorry about the incident at the hospital. It was so wrong of me to do that and I know that now. I truly do. It was self-centered and very inconsiderate for me to do such a horrible thing to you. God no wonder you wanted to commit homicide on me. I can finally see why."

She paused and her eyes just begged me to give in and make love to her. I was vulnerable as hell at that moment and her tone of voice was remorseful and sincere. So were her eyes. I really wanted time to think it over because I at least wanted to use a condom. I was afraid to gamble and lose. Then, out of nowhere, English pulled one out of her jeans pocket and said "I don't even care if you use this. Put it on and let's hop to it."

I had no problems with capitulating with her at that moment. I totally submitted to her and she knew I was submitting. I didn't have to wait long to put the condom on and we cut loose and cut loose big time. We had been away from each other so long and all the anxiety of the separation came spilling out then as our lovemaking went on, it just faded away. It felt so good to be inside her again. Her lovemaking was as wild as ever (I think she learned a few new tricks on the way) and I devoured every second of it. We went back and forth until we were both literally exhausted. We were both on Cloud Nine somewhere when we were done. We finally reconnected. We had strengthened our bond. I confessed to her that I wanted to make love to her since she came back. She asked me why I waited so long and I said "I had issues English. You know that." There was this piece of me that said no matter what, all would be OK. Time would tell.

TBC


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

Since I was about seventy five percent sure that I wanted to have a baby with English, I had to talk this over with the twins first. I wanted to know how they would feel having a new brother or sister in the house. They would make the other twenty five percent of my mind up. I had to know how they felt. So, the Saturday before the "neutering", I took them fishing. It was just them and me.

I asked them if they would like to have a brother or sister and Joey promptly answered "How come?" and I explained as best I could to them that their mother (English) really wanted to give them a baby brother or sister. Jimmy said "You didn't want us when we were babies" and that seriously broke my heart when he said that. I set him on my lap and said "Oh Jimmy. How do I explain this? Do you remember your biological mother Pauline at all?" and surprisingly both boys said they did.

"I was married to her at one time then we broke up and divorced. She moved to Sydney, Australia, where you spent the first five years of your lives. Before she left to go to Sydney, she never told me she was going to give birth to you and your brother. I never knew I had twin boys until English brought you to me. If I would have known, your lives would have been very different."

I paused then continued. "That's why I was such a miserable, horrible parent when you first came. I had no advanced notice that I was about to become a parent. You can understand that can't you?" and they said they could. Their biggest fear was that I would love the baby more than I would them. I told them I understood that fear but assured them that would not happen because they are my first born and they already carved out a very special place in my heart. And that special place is reserved for them and them only**.**

Joey then said "Would you be mad if we told you we don't want a brother or sister? We want things to stay like they are; we want you all to ourselves." I told them I would not get mad because I wanted to know how they felt about it. They asked me if I wanted another baby and I told them sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't. I told them their mother wanted one really bad though.

Joey said "You have to marry her first don't you?" and I said "Well according to what I've been taught, yes, I should." Jimmy then said "Can we bear the rings?" and I had to think about that for a second and then I said "Sure if you want to. But I have to ask your mother first if she'll marry me." I knew how much the boys wanted us to be married. I wanted to give them that stability.

I knew too that English was and forever will be the only woman for me. I told them some day I would ask her to marry me. But my main focus right now was the possible new baby. I asked them if they were sure they didn't want a new baby and they said they were "positive sure." I hadn't really anticipated that answer. I was now between a rock and a hard place. I couldn't justify bringing another child into the world if its brothers didn't want it.

That would not be a good situation. Now how would I tell English that I'm going forward with the "neutering?" It would break her heart but hopefully she will understand that the boys do not want another baby in the house. And I did understand why they feel that way. Hopefully she would too.

TBC


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

The time was ticking closer and closer to my upcoming "neutering" and a total decision had to be made fairly quickly. I dreaded telling English the boys were against the idea and because of that, I was going forward with the "neutering" as scheduled. So after the boys left for school, I headed outside on the porch swing, lit a cigarette and did some contemplating.

English came out a little bit later, lit up a cigarette and sat down next to me. We as a general rule didn't smoke in the house although every now and then I have been guilty of it. Tabby is a strict non-smoker and because of our respect for her, we take it outside. Anyhow, English sat down next to me and said "Well Mike tomorrow is the big day. Or is it?" and I took my time answering the question.

Finally I answered "Yes" and she asked me why and I told her the boys were against us having a baby. I told her in detail what they said to me and she was truly surprised. I told her I was too for that matter. But thought the best thing for all involved would be to keep my appointment so that all would remain stable. That is, as stable gets in our house. She said she seen the wisdom in that but wondered who the real parents of the household were. She said catering to the twins isn't right. I told her I didn't think it was a matter of catering to them.

I asked her if she would want to bring a child into the world that its siblings didn't want and she said she thought they would eventually come around that "no one in their right mind" can resist a baby. I told where there was some truth to that, the boys do not want another baby and I gotta believe that getting "neutered" is the correct thing to do. They have been through enough. They are insecure as it is. I don't want to give them more reason to feel insecure.

She let me know in no uncertain terms she was against it and I told her "Duly noted." So the decision was finally made. "Goodbye Manhood" but seriously it was for the best. I felt a sense of relief wash over me. It would be done and over with in the morning and the debating and hackling over it would be finished in one "little snip." Again, "Goodbye Manhood." Oh well, I know I'm doing the right thing.

TBC


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

The next morning came and I was up earlier than I needed to be actually! So I sat outside in my "safe zone" and English came out. I got up and headed for the porch and she promptly said "There's still time to change your mind Mike. You don't have to do this you know." I heaved a deep, disgusted sigh and she said "Whatever. It was just a suggestion. I'm going back to bed."

We weren't physically sleeping with each other at that point but we would be after this was all over. We could make love anytime. No more condoms! No more worries about birth control, which will be the biggest thing. So off I went (without English which shocked me she didn't go) when it was time for the appointment and Dr. Stone went over everything with me and preparations were made to get things under way.

I was a nervous wreck but I knew I was doing the right thing. Dr. Stone even asked me if I was sure I wanted to do that. I assured him I was and I signed a statement of consent and we were off and running. There was very little pain involved; I was given a local anesthetic in a couple of strategic places and it helped a lot. It didn't take long to get through it and Dr. Stone said all went well. He said if I get to feeling any pain, to take Tylenol and I could safely take that with the rest of my meds.

I asked him how long before I could have sex and he said he'd give it about four weeks. I told him that was fine with me. He said after it heals, I should be in ship shape. I got through it. It wasn't near as bad as I imagined it would be. An easy procedure to keep an unwanted baby from coming into the world. Not bad if you ask me.

I wasn't exactly sure how English was going to handle having to abstain for four weeks but I wasn't really worried about it because it was doctor mandated. So she was just going to have to get over it. ::Sigh:: Such is life at the English-Stoker Household Ranch.

TBC


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

The past four weeks have been anything but calm! As predicted, English was restless as a freakin' caged lion. She kept telling me the doctor didn't know what he was talking about; that something "that mild" wouldn't take "no four weeks to heal." We went 'round and 'round the Mulberry Bush on that more than once on the subject. She even offered to do oral on me at one point, which I politely turned down.

But now that the four weeks are up, I am looking forward to being intimate with her because there are no risks. We've been seeing Terry regularly during this four-week period. I had one really bad week. My dark thoughts and behaviors were starting to rear their ugly head and Terry had a blood level done and the meds were way off even though I take them faithfully every day. So Doc Christopher had to do some adjusting and my dosage is slightly stronger. But it seems to be working so I'm not going to fuss about it.

Joey and Jimmy's meds are doing well for them so that's a good thing too. They brought home magnificent report cards. Even in religion they got excellent grades and I told them they were better than mine at that age! Which is only the truth. They amaze me every day, I swear they do. I don't know what I would do without them. I love them so much. Now that all that is out of the way, it is time to get down to the business of English and I.

We've been talking about and exploring many different things in counseling. Some we've made good progress on, others, well are at a major stand still. I asked English why she didn't call the whole time she was gone and she said she had no desire to talk to me or hear my voice because she knew if she did she would have come straight back to the States and into a hornet's nest at the Ranch which to a degree made sense to me.

I told her she didn't have to talk to me; I asked her if she knew how bad she was tearing up the twins and she said she did but again, hearing their voices would have brought her right back too and that wasn't a good thing for her either. I told her she was a selfish pig in that light and even cowardly. No excuse for her not calling the twins. They thought she didn't love them, they thought it was their entire fault she left, and all she had to do was let them know it wasn't.

I did and I told her that there was no way I would have told them they played a part in her leaving because they didn't need that stress. They were devastated when she left and they had no idea why and didn't hear from her until she decided to just drift on back into our lives. Cowardly. She got a little belligerent with me and asked if I would like her to leave again and I told her absolutely not. I just wanted her to know how angry I was for giving the twins stress and fear they didn't need.

Terry said he understood my anger but name-calling wasn't the route to go. English thanked him for that. I just rolled my eyes. I told her I was very glad she was back and that I missed her something terrible when she was gone, which I did. But she just couldn't just waltz back and act like nothing ever happened. We have issues we had to resolve before we could move on. Terry agreed with that.

Needless to say, it was quite a session. She asked me a rather thoughtful question and it blew me away that she asked it. She asked me if she could sit down with the twins and explain her side of the story to them and let them know that she missed them just as much when she was gone. I told her I really loved her idea and that she could not tell them they were part of the problem. She said she got that and that she wouldn't tell them they were part of the problem.

Terry said he didn't like dishonesty and asked me why I found it necessary to lie to them because they were part of her problem. I told him first they were too young to understand. Second I didn't think they needed that guilt put on them because then that would open a whole other can of worms that I don't care to deal with. I will deal with the reason she left. It was three fourths me and I know it was.

They couldn't help they were out of control. They couldn't help that English or I for that matter couldn't cope with them. It wasn't their fault. They were victims of our immaturity and my total lack of knowing how to be a responsible parent. I take the blame one hundred percent. Terry said he did understand that line of thinking and said he found it wonderful that I did finally take the bull by the horns and do something about it.

I told him he owed that to Tabby because if it wasn't for her, it probably would have never happened. He acknowledged that. English had to ask me again if I was sure we never had anything together while she was gone and I assured her we didn't. I told her the twins wanted us to something fierce but every attempt they made, I batted it down because I wanted nothing to do with a relationship with Tabby other than the one I had which was that of a sister I never had.

English acknowledged she is definitely part of the family and that she didn't think that she could ever be replaced. I told her she wouldn't get any arguments from me because she went through the worst with us all and still stuck with us. So I'm glad English is OK with Tabby. After I confirmed to her that I had no desire to have a relationship with her, she said she felt so much better about it and she wouldn't ask me again because she knew I was being totally honest with her. And I sure was.

Terry said he was pleased we got that straightened out and said he was going to end with her explaining to the twins why she left. He said when we got together again, he would want a full report and she promised him one. I asked her if I could be there when she told them and she said she didn't have a problem with it; matter of fact I could back up what she said. I nodded my understanding and I felt good about how the session ended. It would be interesting to see how she would handle this situation with the twins. I would be there, backing her up all the way.

TBC


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

English waited until the precise right moment to talk to the twins about why she left. Timing is everything with them and I understood why it took her so long to sit down with them. She had a very loving discussion with them and she explained to them that she could no longer live with me. She said that I was getting very hard to live with and that she couldn't stay here because she didn't like being mistreated and verbally abused. I agreed with her and told her I couldn't blame her for leaving.

She assured them both they had nothing to do with her leaving. Joey asked her why she didn't want to take them with her and she said she honestly felt that they would be better off at the Ranch because she didn't know where she was going to live or anything when she left. She told them it took some time for her to find a place and that they would not have had a good life during that time. She said she was glad she left them at the Ranch because they were able to get on medication and was so glad that their lives had turned around and that they were able to do so well. She felt she made the right decision doing that.

Jimmy asked her if she really did still love them and she assured them she did. Joey asked her why she didn't call them and she said it was complicated; she was glad she decided against that as well because it probably would have caused more trouble than anything because they needed to adjust to life without her. They seemed to be OK with her explanation, which I was pleased to see that.

She was very loving and patient with her explanation. Joey asked her if she was ever going to marry me and she told him it was why we are in counseling. We want to work everything out so that we can get married. Jimmy told her that sometimes he wished I would have married Tabby. Not to be cruel, just to express his feelings. English smiled and told them she had heard about their efforts to make that happen and she also reminded him that she was the only woman their father ever wanted which I said "Amen" to that.

I then jumped in and explained to both of them that Tabby wasn't here for me to fall in love with and marry. She was here to do the fantastic job she does with them and our house. They seemed to accept it all very well and for that we were thankful. Finally, she brought peace to their minds and answered the questions they had for the longest time. It was a very positive thing and I was very grateful for it.

It made me think that English and I would get there eventually. At least, I hoped against all hope that we did. I wanted us to be together, married and living in some semblance of harmony. Time would tell. I knew one thing. That I was going to do everything I could to make that happen. The rest would be up to her and I suspect she was going to do the same.

TBC


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: I thought I was about to wrap this story up when out of nowhere came a train of thought I didn't expect! So as a result of that, this is going into a whole different direction and it's far from finished. Hang on and go for the unexpected ride! I think it'll be fun!**

**Chapter 29**

The talk with the twins went much better than I ever imagined. English and I were both really happy with how it turned out. The twins were relieved to hear that they were not the cause of her leaving. Of course they were but we never wanted them to know that. They didn't need to know. They were doing well, were stable and that news would have put them in a tailspin. We told Terry about it and he was happy too that it had a positive outcome. He was torn about us not telling them the whole truth but understood why we had to do what we did.

He asked how things were going in general and English started yapping about me and my blueprints, smoking and the ashes. Terry was a little surprised because he thought we worked all that out and I thought the same! He asked what the problem was and she said she was tired of the dam blueprints and wanted to destroy them. She said Travis really had his head in his ass when he suggested that idea! Simply because he had no clue of how much I would obsess over them.

When asked why, because that was one of the ways I relaxed she said that I spent way too much time on them. She just had to tell him that I even took them to work with me, which is something he didn't previously to my knowledge know or need to know for that matter! He told her he didn't see anything wrong with that either because he knew we had a lot of downtime. She said they got in the way of our love life at home and I told him we had one more week to go and then we would be fine.

I was still healing from the vasectomy and my doctor said to wait four weeks and that is what I was doing. She rolled her eyes and said by now I should be healed and Terry said he agreed with me to do what the doctor said. That didn't make her any too happy.

Terry then went exploring asking how often I was in the ashes and I told him no more than usual. It was my safe zone, he knew it was, and it had nothing to do with me avoiding her, sex or any other thing. I loved sitting there and just thinking and putting things into perspective. It was a semblance of peace for me. I was a very deep thinker and he knew that as well.

She had her mechanic things she did to relax her and although her choice might fall under being "more normal," I wasn't going to give up my ashes for her or anyone else. Terry asked me if I might could moderate the time spent "in the ashes" and I told him straight out "f*** no!" and he seen he crossed a line he shouldn't have and told me to relax, that he wasn't telling me what to do rather, just making a simple suggestion. I stayed in the defensive posture I was in and I told him he knew what they meant to me and he had no f***ing business suggesting such a thing. He didn't live with English. He didn't live with the constant nagging and hassling. The ashes in many ways kept me from strafing her some days! And that was the truth.

She was really shocked when she heard me say that. I know it had to hurt her but dam, this had to come out. Terry said "Whoa there. Whoa" and I looked at him and said "Don't f***ing whoa me Dude!" and he was losing control and he knew he was. "Stop. Now. No one is attacking you Michael and you need to just stop right there and take a deep breath." English went to say something and Terry cut her off. "I'll listen to you Levi but let's get back in control here first OK?" I responded with "You were attacking me. Tell me to moderate my time in the ashes. That is an attack! It's an attack on my personal space! You stay the f*** out of my personal space you got that?"

Terry then put both hands in the air in as a show of surrender to me and said "I got it. Believe me. Take a few breaths and see if you can calm down. You have to calm down. Either that or I could suggest a trip to the Psych Unit of Rampart and I honestly don't think you need to be there. What I do wonder if maybe your meds are off by a hair? I'm going to give you papers to go to the lab to get it checked just to be on the safe side. Are you OK with that?" and I said "You'll pay hell putting me back in Rampart. I spent enough time there. But yeah, that's fine. I don't care. Might be the meds are off a little" I said a little bit calmer. Might be too that you have learned not to cross into territory you have no business being." Terry then defended himself calmly and said "Yes I do have business being there. What has gotten into you Mike? I've never known you to be so quite on the defensive. I'm trying to help you and Levi get along better. I just might have crossed into it the whole wrong way and for that I apologize and I have learned to be more respectful of it."

Once I got calmed down, he allowed English to put her two cents in and that is about all it was worth. She told him "See? This is what I have to live with. It's not easy living with him either" and I readily acknowledged that, to Terry's great surprise. She made the point that was why she left to begin with because I was so neglectful and verbally abusive of her. And I readily acknowledged that too for it was nothing but the truth. English was grateful that I did and said this is where it gets really complicated. It's great to be acknowledged; it's another thing to change it. And she said even though the verbal abuse of has almost been a non-issue, it was the sex life that was getting her really upset.

Terry asked me if I had any desire to be with her and I told him I did. That was the big reason for saying goodbye to my manhood. I wanted us to be united in all ways, including sexually. She's never disappointed me, she's never been bad in bed, never done anything that would cause me not to have sex with her when it came to the sex itself. Then she jumped in and asked me why then if that is true do I use that as a punishment to her by turning her down all the time and Terry said "Let me look up something here real quick. I have an idea. Just give me one minute" and he went to the filing cabinet to look for a paper he wanted. He looked it over and said "Crap. Well you can scrap that idea" and we both looked at him like "huh?" and he said "I thought maybe the medication would cause lack of sex drive but it's not listed so I would say that's not a reason at least in relation to the medication." English said I probably didn't want to be with her however be that as it may, it was on my terms and my terms only. And I couldn't shy away from that fact. Terry looked in my direction and said "Mike, how do you feel about that?" and I told him I couldn't argue with it.

I also told him I thought we needed to go back to mono on mono for a while because I was having a real problem with it the way it was. I looked English in the eyes and gave her a very heartfelt apology and told her I just needed a little more time and space.

Terry was taken back by this as was she. She asked Terry if she should just give up totally and he told her no because of the sadness and remorse that was in my voice when I apologized. She gave me an ultimatum. I had six months to get my shit together and I told her I doubted it would take that long but was grateful she was going to hang in there with me. She told Terry the one thing she wanted him to break me of was the "f***ing control freaking" habits that I have according to her.

I told her I didn't see myself as a control freak and that may as well have sent her into another time zone! She jumped out of her chair and became quite animated and said "Not a control freak? Oh my God I can't believe you said that! You have the twins on a strict, ritualistic program that they have to do every f***ing day, like it or not, they can't play or wind down until their homework is done, they have to do those ridiculous recitals every dam night and morning, you decide when you're in the mood to have sex, it's all about you and the control you assert and have to have! I told you a number of times that you were wound tighter than a three dollar wrist watch and you told me you had to be in control or it wouldn't be a good thing. Not a control freak? My ass!" Then she sat back down and with authority folded her arms and glared at me.

Terry by that time probably wished he never heard of us before! He asked English ever so gently and respectfully because he knew he was stirring a hornet's nest "Do you feel better getting that out into the open? You must have been keeping that bottled up for quite some time." English maintained her glare and said "Yes, I do, thank you. See this is something Mike won't do. He might get a little defensive like he did earlier but that is the extent of it. He won't really tell me how he feels. I would venture to guess that stupid, intruding pile of ashes knows more about how he feels than I do and that is not fair to me!"

She started to cry and I felt like hell. Terry let her cry it all out as did I and then I gently spoke. "English, it's not about that and she cut me off asking "Then what is it about?" and I replied I'm not offering any excuses but you know I'm not wired quite right. I find peace and solace in the ashes. They remind me of my old self that I symbolically burnt when I took the old Tack House down. In that reminder it tells me I need to be a better person which since the accident and Lithium, I'm really trying to be. You may not see it but dam English. I'm never going to be that perfect man you dream of. My goals in life may not be the same as yours. All I want to do is be the best father I can and to be an eventual good husband to you."

She countered with "It'll never work Mike and I'm starting to see that now. I cannot, a relationship cannot survive without honest communication and you've been a human clam since childhood. Why should I or anyone else for that matter expect that to change? It is what it is." I didn't argue with her but I did assure her I didn't want to remain a "human clam." I wanted to be more open. But by the same token, she had to allow me my "quiet time." She said a compromise she could handle but I never stick to them.

I told her I wanted to and this time I'd truly give it my all. And I meant it with every fiber of my being. I told her if she left us again, it would be a disaster. She asked how that could possibly be and I told her my thoughts immediately went to the twins who loved her enough to call her their mother. With your return, the three of them bonded in such a beautiful way. They love you English and if you were to leave again, it would affect them deeply. It did the first time. We could not allow our dysfunction to interfere with their lives.

She then told me not to play the twins card with her and I was totally dumbfounded by that stupid assed comment and I swear I wanted to slap her silly when she said that. And I had to point out that it was this kind of f***ing bullshit that drove me straight to the ashes. Her lack of trust in my motives. I wasn't even thinking of anything but the residual effects of her leaving again would have on them. I'm dammed if I do or dammed if I don't and I was about fed up with it. I told her if she wanted to go, she could. If being a single parent for the rest of my life was my destiny, so be it. She was the only woman I loved or ever will love but it might be that it wasn't meant to be. We'd go on. We did before and will again. At least we'd still have Tabby so that the twins would have a female role model in their lives.

Terry was again thrown for a loop. Given what English said, he asked her if she truly loved the twins or if she tolerated them and she thought about it and said "Well, life wasn't so complicated before them." There it was in a nutshell. I told her it was highly likely she wasn't cut out to be a mother. She asked Terry if that made her a bad person and Terry told her no; it just made her someone who wasn't cut out to be a parent, that she should have no shame in that and knowing that she wasn't was half the battle. We ended the session there, leaving both English and me with a great deal of thinking to do.

We had no idea what the ultimate decision would be. All we knew is we had one week to make it.

TBC


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

The ride home from the counseling center was in silence. Shock too at all that came out in the session. I was so torn on how I felt. I asked English for time in the ashes so that I could sort through what the hell it was that I was feeling. She was OK with it and she said she was going to take a long, hot bath to clear her head.

Tabby came out and asked if we could talk and I told her to have a seat on one of the hay bales. She said she could tell the way we were acting it must have been a rough session and I told her that was putting it mildly. I told her a few cans of worms were opened with unexpected consequences. The biggest one being English revealing she did not want to be a parent.

Tabby was pretty well shocked and asked me what I was going to do and I told her only God knew. I told her one thing I did know. I wasn't going anywhere. I loved the Ranch and I wasn't going to leave it or my sons who have become a very vital part of me and my life. I told her it could get complicated because we're both on the title to the Ranch and if English wanted to pull a major boner, there could be a fight over ownership of it I hoped it would come to that and she hoped so too.

She told me if there was anything she could do to help to let her know. I thanked her and I told her I would.

A little while later, I left my safe zone and English came outside and sat down on the porch swing and I headed up to the porch and took a seat next to her. We were both smoking and she broke the silence and said "What are we going to do Mike?" and I said "I wish I knew. I'm not going to force you to be something may not be. Breaks my heart but that is life."

English asked "Are you mad at me Mike?" and I told her not so much as hurting for the twins because we both know how much they loved her. She agreed with that and said she just didn't know what to do. I got mega stupid and asked if she was to call it quits with us if she'd keep the Ranch or ask us to leave and she said since we were both on the title and I would be keeping the twins, she wouldn't kick us off the Ranch.

English said all she wanted was "around twenty five grand" for her share which I did not think was unreasonable. We had a bundle of money we saved and that would not be a hardship. She asked about paying child support and I told her I wouldn't pursue it because she wasn't their biological mother and it really wouldn't have been fair to her.

More and more it sounded like she had her mind made up. I asked her how the hell we would tell the twins about all this and she said "I haven't made this final yet. I was just weighing my options." I had a thought cross my mind but I wasn't about to share it until next week. I wondered if maybe she needed medication.

Consider this. First and foremost she never seems to be able to make a decision and stick with it. She sometimes has mood swings worse than my own and can be very hateful and hostile. And she seems to have little patience with the twins. That would make sense in the need for medication. We'll see what Terry thinks.

I got up and went inside and went on the hunt for my beloved blueprints. They too were a source of solace and peace. They were totally out of control but such a relaxing thing to do. I lit up a cigarette and got lost in them until the twins came home. They both gave me a hug and Joey asked to go fishing. I told them after their homework was done and we'd go.

They both smiled and said they didn't have any for a change. So I told them to change clothes and we'd go. A few minutes later they came downstairs and were ready to go.

So outside we went and went into the barn to get our gear and let Tabby know we were going fishing. I wasn't sure where English was at the time so off we went. Once we got all our lines in the water, Joey, the always perceptive one, asked me if I was OK and I told him I was so that he wouldn't worry. I wanted so much to tell them what might be coming but the time wasn't right.

But then I got to thinking when would the time ever be right to tell two seven year olds the only mother they have ever known doesn't love them like a mother should? It was a tough position to be in and I just wanted to scream bloody murder! At English for even entertaining such a bloody, horrible thought.

Why would she want to wreck their stability? Was this all a ploy to have sex with me, catching the twins in her mindless crossfire? The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Perfect sense. So after we were done fishing, I went hunting for English and found her in the barn. I closed the barn doors and told her I wanted to talk to her about a theory I had about the whole mess and I wanted her to be honest with me.

She told me to proceed so I did. I told her (or asked her rather) if her feelings (or lack of) towards the twins had anything at all to do with our rather complicated sex life and she was totally stunned by my question. As she searched for an answer, she said "Well that was always my impression of how families were supposed to be. A couple normally cannot survive without sex."

So, my theory was pretty much right. Blackmail to get what she wanted. I wanted to slap the shit out of her but I did ask so I couldn't react quite that way. Lord knows I wanted to so I calmly told her she may as well leave because I would not give in the her blackmail. Now or one week from now.

She told me no sane woman could ever live with me and I told no sane man could live with her out of control sex drive either unless he was a sex hound. We had a nasty argument that ended up with her telling me the worst mistake she ever made was coming back. She said if I so desired, I could marry Tabby. She declared it "over and over forever more."

She said he had one consolation and that the fact that no woman could ever have a baby by me. I affirmed that it was a true relief to me as well. I stood by the initial reason for getting snipped to begin with. It still in my mind is too big a risk to take. Joey and Jimmy were all this man wanted. And the twins didn't want another sibling either. So that was pretty much that.

She had to ask me again if I had no interest in Tabby. My response? "What's it to you? You just told me if I wanted to marry her I could. You can't have it both ways English." Then, quite unexpectedly, she turned around and gave me one hell of hard slap right in the face! Man did that smart. Drew a little blood too. I was pretty well shocked and she knew I was. We stared each other down and she said as she walked away "I'll be gone by morning."

Wow! Here we go again! It was for the best no doubt about it. Children cannot thrive in a home where a parent resents and does not love them.

We were back on the English emotional roller coaster. Where the hell would it take us? We had no clue.

TBC


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

The next day was a work day so I called Cap at home bright and early and told him the short version of the story and told him I would be late. He asked if I needed the whole shift off and I told no, that I would just be late.

So, with that, I checked to see if English was gone and true to her word, she was. I had fairly mixed emotions; after all I had known her my whole life. But there was a part of me that was honestly relieved because I just did not know how long I could last with all the complications that was the dysfunction called "our relationship."

When the twins got up and came downstairs, I was smoking and playing with the blueprints. I asked them to come over to me and sit down. Joey reminded me they had chores to do and I told him they were going to wait; I had something I had to talk to them about. I put one arm around Jimmy and the other arm around Joey and told them their mother left and this time for good.

Joey asked what they done this time and I told him absolutely nothing, it was all her. She wanted her freedom and just didn't want to live here any longer. Jimmy had tears falling from his eyes and said "She doesn't love us does she?" and that broke my heart when he said that. I hugged him and told him "She'll always love you in her own special way so no worries there. She just doesn't want to live with us. It'll be OK. We've done it before and we'll do it again."

Joey then perked up and said ""Cool! You can marry Tabby now!" Jimmy replied "Yeah then we can be a happy family with her as our mommy. We love her." I told them to slow down; I needed time to get over their mother first.

So after all that was out of the way, we proceeded with our morning chores and such and took our meds. They were late for school and I was late for work and when I arrived, the Engine and the Squad were both gone. So I had a seat next to Henry and lit up a cigarette and started to play with my blueprints. I always brought them to work with me for something to do.

I got an idea to gut the house and barn and start from scratch. I wanted Joey and Jimmy's rooms bigger, the Master Bedroom bigger and the house in general bigger and a more modern barn. The twins love playing in the barn and in the hay so I could probably give them a climbing wall, rope and rope swing from the rafters and a bunch of hay for them to play in their own little corner of the barn. I'm sure they'd love it.

Problem was where would we live during construction? Guess we could live in the house and once we can actually live in the new house, move in and take the other house down if that makes any sense!

A little while later, the crew came back and Dane Smith was filling in for me. Dane and me were good buddies and once he got Sagourney parked, he hopped out and said "Stoke Me! What the hell is up?" and I said "Stoke Me? You sure as hell aren't my type!" and we both busted out laughing. Cap just shook his head and said "I don't know about you two" and Dane replied "Keeps things interesting." I thanked him for filling in for me and did my usual inspection of my Dearly Beloved.

So after I was officially put on the clock, I strolled back into the dayroom and greeted the crew and seen Chet was looking over the blueprints. I sat down next to him and said "Find anything interesting?" and he said "Hey Mikey? Is this supposed to be plans for a simple Tack House or a sophisticated mansion?" and I wanted to slap him silly when he said that. Instead, I chased him away and told him he picked the wrong day to f*** with me.

Marco's antenna of caring went immediately up and said "Are you OK Mike?" and I didn't want to lie to him so I said "Not really. Been a rough twenty four hours in the household." Before anyone could respond, Cap asked me to come to his office so that's where we went. He closed the door and we sat down and he asked me how I was doing and I told him many emotions were going through me and he said he could only imagine.

I told him the twins took the news fairly well and not so well at the same time if that made any dam sense at all and he said it did. He was concerned with their stability and well-being and I told him I was too. He asked if I'd make it through the tour and I said I would. I had my smokes and my blueprints and they would keep me busy. He offered his help if needed. I thanked him and with that, he dismissed me from his office.

I went back into the dayroom and assumed my position on the couch. I knew the guys wanted to know what was ailing me but I had no desire to talk about it so I didn't.

The rest of the shift was fairly busy. We had several calls and even a few overnight. So I was pretty tired when I got home the next morning. My soul ached for the ashes but I was too tired. I fell in bed and slept soundly until Tabby woke me up around supper time!

Just as we were sitting down to eat, the doorbell rang and it was the postman with a certified letter. I signed for it and went back into the kitchen and sat down. I glanced at the return address and it was from Ward and Ross Attourneys At Law and I opened it and there was a letter that advised me to contact them immediately that they were representing Levi English in a very important matter.

I heaved a deep sigh and handed the letter to Tabby. She read it and said "Wonder what that's all about?" and I said "Hard telling. I call them right now and see." So I did just that. I was so pissed when I got off the phone that I slammed it down and threw it as far as I could it being hooked to the wall and all.

By that time the twins were done eating and Tabby told them it would be best if they went out to play which they did. She then asked me if I was alright and I told her "No, I'm not! That stupid, ignorant psycho bitch wants to fight me for the Ranch! She told me she would do that because I specifically asked her if she would! Shoulda got it in writing. F***ing lying bitch!"

Tabby asked if she could give me a thought and I said "Of course, you're family" and she smiled warmly and said "Let's not fight her. Give the place to her. It is hers after all. We can get us a new place either built or buy one. I'm sure there are places out there that have mega acreage like this place." I told her that would have to be Plan B. Plan A is fighting for the right to stay here because my name was on the deed too. I told her I was going out to the ashes to try to make sense of it all.

So outside I went slamming the door so hard the house might have shook! The twins were playing tag when I got outside and I wondered how in the Name of God English could pull this on them and their stability and well-being? She didn't love them and that was painfully obvious. I wondered if she ever did love them. I didn't much less give a dam about me. I could live anywhere.

This was the only home they knew for two years. They loved it here. I'd fight to my last breath to keep it for them. But would it be enough? Only time would tell.

TBC


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

After spending considerable time in the ashes and doing some major soul searching, I went back into the house and wanted to talk to Tabby after we got the twins off to bed. We had to do recitals, nightly prayers and the like. It's always my favorite time of the night when putting them to bed because they remind me so much of myself at that age. How I love them!

Once they were tucked in, Tabby and I headed downstairs to the living room where my smokes and blueprints were waiting for me. I told her I gave it a lot of thought and there wasn't any dam way

I was going to allow English to get away with this shit. It's our home too and I would fight for it until I could not fight anymore simply because it's the twins' home too and this is where they feel safe and secure.

She told me she understood that and would stand beside me no matter what I decided. She suggested that I call my attorney Mike Lakin which I did and I asked him if he could stop by real quick because it was around 2000 when I called. He said he could and would. Tabby put a fresh pot of coffee on and we waited for his arrival which was about thirty minutes later.

Once we got all situated, me with a beer and Tabby and Mike with coffee, we asked what options we had. I didn't smoke in front of him because he has horrible asthma and I didn't want to get it going. He said we had a couple of options. We could make her pay half of the ranch that is owed to me because it was her that walked away or we could put it up for sale and split the profits.

I told Mike I didn't want her part of the money for the ranch nor did I want to sell it. All I wanted was the deed cleared to me in my name because it was the best place for the twins to grow and they loved their home, horses, play spots, etc. and to take them out of it would be unspeakably cruel. They had neurological problems, were on a set routine and like me, a major change in routine throws them for an absolute loop and I didn't want them acting out to deal with it. Their stability was very important to me. Mike didn't know if we could get the deed clear but it would be something we would push for if we had to.

I asked him what our chances were to keep the English-Stoker Ranch, which was soon to become the Smith-Stoker Ranch, and he said he felt pretty good that one way or the other we would remain in it because going back to his original point, it was _she_ who walked away from it initially.

I told him if he could get a confession from her telling me she would never do that to disrupt the progress of the twins in the first place and that would be a help too. He added that to his list and he said that could be accomplished under oath and furthermore help the judge in the decision making stage. He did ask one thing and that was that Tabby stay home. I asked why the hell for and he said because he didn't want English using her for fuel for the fire. He wanted a calm proceeding.

If I came alone and represented myself, James and Joseph, it would look much better and the ramifications of it could be much more positive. I told him I could see the merit in that and I would do as he asked me to. I told him the twins knew nothing about what was going down and I wanted to keep it from them as long as we could. He thought it was a good idea.

I must admit I felt much better after our meeting. I told him I was "homicidal" when I first talked to her law firm and couldn't believe the shit that was going down. He said he probably would have reacted the same way if his wife tried to pull something like that on him too. Mike assured me he would stress the importance of the twins' stability.

Tabby told him we were going to gut the house and rebuild once it was all over and done with. I told him I wanted the twins to have a bigger play area outside, Tabby a bigger kitchen, me a bigger Master Bedroom and many other ideas I had. He said they all sounded good but I couldn't do anything until things were settled because if I did, it could get dicey. So I told him I wouldn't.

He had to tease me about the Tack House blue prints and asked if it would take me "to those extremes" with the gutting and rebuilding of the house and I snorted "Hardly" and he chuckled. We thanked him for coming out on such short notice and he said it was fine. He'd be in touch and we would go from there.

As soon as he left, I fired up a cigarette because my nerves were raw at that point. Tabby suggested for me to "get lost" in the blue prints. I told her f*** that, I was going outside to the ashes. It was the only thing that was going to settle me down.

So, outside I went and put the horses in the barn for the night after seeing to their needs. I then went to the ashes, not worried about the time element because the next day wasn't a work day. So I plopped myself down in my favorite spot and withdrew deep inside myself where I felt the safest.

I still could not believe English would say one thing and do another. I wouldn't give a shit if I was the only person involved; I can live anywhere. It's the twins that will be hurt the most which they've done nothing to deserve. Can't that stupid bitch see that? Apparently not, she's too full of herself to see that.

Yet I go back when she first brought the twins to me. All the shit she went through to bring them here and keeping them for the time she did before they learned I was their father. At some point there had to be great love in her heart for them because what she did was an act of love in itself.

Imagining life without them now is something I cannot do. I remember what a miserable father I was when they first came and how they finally taught me to grow up and be a father after we all got on the right medications.

I need to quit because I'm not going to ever get any answer that would be acceptable. I'll just have to put the seat belt on and see what the hell kind of roller coaster ride is in store with this battle for the Ranch.

I never thought in a million years it would come to this.

TBC


End file.
